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Now why do I feel so broken down? What am I dealing with? There is so much to tell & complicated that I'll give you the highlights.
I've been diagnosed with Bi-Polar 1, General Anxiety Disorder & have just been diagnosed as ADHD.
I've been stable except for one episode when a doctor gave me a series of steroid shots that nearly destroyed my life. This was 10 years ago & he still brings it up, I've always gone on the defensive but it just dawned on my that I should ask him why he didn't hospitalize me like my Psychiatrist recommended.
Because of a skin disorder, his doctor recommended that we moved to a humid environment; we did. He can't seem accept that he's going to live with this the rest of his life, just as I've had to accept that I'm going to be Bi-Polar the rest of my life. He's seeing a new doctor & has told him that stress causes his disorder to flair up.
Our, or should I say his, daily schedule is wearing me down, & no matter what I say, I can't change it.
My original schedule I had (& would love to have back); I would wake up (usually around 10am), take the dog out, eat breakfast & read a little. I'd work out & start my day.
It changed to, after I made breakfast & before I could eat it, here he comes. He has to have a 3 hour “conversation”. I finally realized that if I don't engage him, it goes smoother. I told him that I wanted to eat breakfast in peace, that lasted 2 weeks.
Finally, after the 3 hour “conversation”, I work out. I'm free until about 7pm when he makes dinner.
After dinner, he expects me to sit with him & watch TV. If I tell him I have something to do, he seems disappointed & I stay. (If I don't, he pouts.) About 10:30 he hands me the remote & tells me I can watch what I want.
That's when I'm finally “free” to do my projects. I work on them until 2-3am. Lately, I've been staying up until 5-7am & sleep until 12-1pm.
It's been upgraded to him waking me up to start in his "conversation". The dog jumps on me because she needs to go out & he pushes her away! When she keeps on, he finally tells me to take the dog out.
When I get back, he continues where he left off & it's another 3 hours before I workout. Lately, he acts like he resents me going to workout & when I get back, he starts his "conversation" again.
He's finally discovered I'm not even responding when he has his "conversation"; he wants to know if I'm depressed. No, it's because I don't get any acknowledgment on anything that I say. It's bad enough that the schedule's been upgraded, now if I make a general comment, I get “whatever”. He's told me lately that I stress him out. I'm having to learn to keep my mouth shut.
I talk to my dog & I ask her what would happen if she & I just got up one day & left. I'd throw my phone out the window so I wouldn't be tracked.
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"How old would you act, if you didn't know how old you were?" - Unknown
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