Quote:
Originally Posted by wa(o)rrior
Hi Friend
you have gone thru child trauma and abuse and that has left its trace in your subconscious mind. but what you are doing to yourself now is more worse. you are making yourself feel unworthy. you have your own set of perceptions that needs to be met to make you worthy. it's a scale you have setup ( or this society has setup) to gauge your value. have you ever wondered if all this perceptions are worthy if they make you feel unworthy? have you asked yourself " so what if i am dumb?, so what if i don't have money? so what if am ugly?
the society has been pounding us with illusions thru TV, media, movies that you need to be smart, successful in order to be worthy. just remember you are worthy only to yourself.
when someone gifts you something it does not mean that they give it because you lack it. they give it out of joy they get in gifting it. do you think only materialistic gifts matter? you can gift them a smile, your compassion, your love, your support, your shoulder to cry for someone in pain. don't you think these gifts are priceless???
when you were a child your parents being adults may have abused you. now they have become old and have gained wisdom and learnt from their mistakes. now that you are an adult, do you wish to be like how your parents were? forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU. it heals you internally and releases you.
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Thank you so much for responding. Well the thing is, I know realistically, that im not unintelligent. I have an education. I just feel that way when im around my mother. I know im not ugly but I still FEEL that way. I tried to reassure myself that it's okay not to be a billionaire but I still feel like I should be.
Im not a bad person but I still dont feel good enough. It's a stupid way to feel but I dont know HOW to not feel this way. My thoughts tell me that im worthy but my emotions tell me that im wrong.
I appreciate it when somebody tries to give to me. But instead of feeling happy and excited, I feel humiliated and two feet tall. I feel perfectly fine giving to other people, but I hate receiving. And I know that I sometimes come across as unappreciative to some people. Im the first to give a smile, a shoulder to cry on, and just somebody to talk to but I don't let anyone do that stuff for me. It sounds pathetic but im used to people not caring. I've pushed everyone out of my life because im afraid they'll reject me if they see who I really am. So I guess, being loved from a distance is the most comfortable form to me. Im probably missing out.
I forgive my parents, I guess. I try to put myself in their shoes but when I think about some things that they did when I was a kid, it infuriates me. My mom has asked me why I shut myself off from everyone, including my family. But when I tell her that I think I think my behavior stems from childhood, she gets angry and defensive. She tells me that im dramatic- so I wont talk to her about anything anymore. My dad gets defensive and says that I deserved all of the physical abuse from them. I know he doesn't have bad intentions but, that fact is, I have to deal with the consequences of their actions now as an adult. CLEARLY im not okay. Btw, Ive only mentioned that to them once. I dont wanna make them feel bad but im just being honest. Sometimes I have dreams that my parents switch back to the same way they were when I was a kid. I wake up horrified, confused, disgusted and enraged.
I dont want to be annoying and play the poor helpless victim to anyone else. So I just lock myself away because I feel like everything would be much better if I wasnt around. Better for me and better for them.
I am on an antidepressant and it helps my mood but I guess I need therapy as well. I just have to make the appointment.