That is understandable, any reminders are going to be things you will want to avoid. It goes very deep too. What would help with that is if you had someone help you clean the guns but at the same time talk about what you experienced with you too and help you grieve it.

That is what I really wanted/needed to take place myself. Your question of what was he thinking at the time is a very common question. Often what takes place is that an individual is so overwhelmed that they just want out. I have been in that state of mind, I never had EVER imagined experiencing it either. When a person is in that state of mind it can be very strong, they don't think they can work their way out of it, that is how I had felt. I got lucky, I happened across another individual that explained it to me in a way where I paid attention and realized that I experienced it in waves. I also got lucky that I had found a therapist that also helped me work my way "slowly" out of it.
I am going to be honest here with you, my choice was using a gun, which is actually odd for me because I never liked guns, and did not even know how to shoot one. I just wanted something quick. I did not care about vanity either. I even talked about it, my husband did not get it at ALL and kept a loaded handgun in the night stand next to our bed.

What also changed/helped me is that my therapist took me seriously and he immediately called my husband and made it clear that I was genuinely struggling, PTSD was very real in me and my husband had to pay attention and respect that. I really was stuggling BADLY and I was NOT getting the support I needed from my family. I KNOW more than anything now that PTSD is definitely an INJURY, and it is NEVER a person's fault and they deserve to have help and support.

I know you are very sensitive right now, out of touch with yourself and you don't like it, I did not either. What I will tell you is that you "can" slowly heal and get to a better/stronger state of mind. It definitely takes PATIENCE though. It's a very personal puzzle too, and it takes time to work through it. But, you are strong, you can work through it, but you have to be patient, that is one thing you definitely will learn with this challenge.