Thanks Hvert. Getting away for a few days (and off the computer) sounds so relaxing!

I enjoyed my time off too! It helps to have some time away, although I didn't get nearly as much done as I had hoped. I'm finding that I just get worn out really easily For example, Friday I sorted through some clothes (ha - I had to switch out the pants in my closet for the "fatter" pants that were vacuum sealed in space saver bags!). My work pants were all wrinkled, so I ironed them. It took me a little over an hour, and I was just physically *exhausted* after. As in, I had to lie down in bed for an hour or longer before I could do anything else. It's hard to get much done like that.

I tried explaining this to the therapist today, who again brought up depression . To which I tend to think:

a) Duh. Have you seen my life lately? I can't think of a good reason to NOT be depressed!

b) I'm not sad. I'm not even "depressed" all the time. I have moments of happiness, joy, awe, etc. It's not like I'm "depressed" every minute of the day.

c) So what? Saying, "oh that sounds like depression" is not helpful. Tell me what to do about it. And, do not tell me "go get meds" because I don't want to go down that path!

Anyway, nothing really came out of it, so I think I'm just frustrated (still) with that.

Yeah, my boss. I don't *think* he meant that doing 2 screens was too much, but... I annotated the screens, like I would for a normal design, to show how things would/could work and what I was thinking. I guess my annotations scared him a bit. It's really crazy though. It's not like THESE were the pages we'd show to clients, they still need to go to the graphic designers to mock up and make pretty. *Sigh*.

Thanks for validating the job stuff. I agree, I feel like the SAHM with three kids and an alcoholic husband. And, I wish I knew why it's so hard to leave. I don't think it is for everyone. Maybe it's a self-esteem thing. Kind of what we were talking about with your BF - some people have a lot of confidence and a sense that they can walk away from a bad situation, and find something better. I get scared that there's nothing better... my dad tried to change careers at one point, and has really suffered for it (and is now retirement age, but has nothing - no money, no house, a crappy broken down car, no savings at all, and is living with an ex-girlfriend b/c he has nowhere else to go.) I can't go down that route. I'd rather stay in a bad job where I'm paid well and can save money, and know that one day I'll be able to afford to retire and not be homeless

I also think (like in the metaphor) it's hard because the job (or relationship) itself really does a number on your confidence. It's *hard* to feel like you've got something to offer another company when your current job not only makes you feel useless, but (as you know) isn't giving you an opportunity to keep your skills from falling apart!

I like your plan to spend a little time each day working on an escape route! Do you know what that looks like for you? Sometimes, it sounds like you do (i.e. finding more clients for the business that you already have set up.) It sounds like your so active in the world (with the volunteer work, the boards that you're on, the pottery class) that you must be running into tons of people who can either hire your company, or recommend you to their friends?

re: The weight stuff, do you have any ideas why you don't do? I'm frustrated with myself, because I had lost a ton of weight, and it was fairly easy - not crazy dieting or excessive exercising. And... I felt so much better, not just from the weight being gone, but because part of that was improving my sleep (I was sleeping better than I ever had, it was unbelievably wonderful, which helped me feel better which helped me stick with everything).

What I was doing was NOT hard. I was sticking with a fairly basic, paleo-based, moderate carb type diet (no counting calories or anything) and walking.

But, I was getting ~10 meals a week from a local restaurant that did a paleo meal plan, so I didn't have to cook everything. And they went out of business. And that, plus the crappiness of work (I was on a better project that kept me busy when I lost the weight), plus the stress of therapy... I have not been able to get back to it.

I was hoping to get back on the wagon, so to speak, with my 5 days off... but by day 3 I was having bad headaches and feeling rotten, and caved. I should have prioritized better, instead of trying to get 50 other things done, just focused on the diet and making it through those 5 days.

Sigh. Nothing's ever easy.

Thanks for the encouragement. I know that you're right. It's just... I don't know, I don't seem to have the energy to go and find something else. It sounds pathetic (but hey, look! Depression!) I've looked online, from time to time, and looked at a meetup in my area for people in my field... but haven't found anything that looks like a better fit. I don't know.

Thanks!

And, thanks Mountain Human. I agree, and there's no one depending on me, but me. But, that also means there's no one else supporting me or helping with the bills. So, I can't just "jump" - I have to have a plan and no where I'm going to land. That's where I get stuck!