I read Taonuviel's post about being lonely -- I feel so lonely, too. Lonely, scared, without support. I look at apartments, but can't seem to come to any decision about where to live next. I want to buy another house before my nest egg is eaten up by unemployment, but it is scary. Not having an income is scary. Especially when I'm so down and feel, who would hire me anyway? and it hurts a lot to feel that I've worked so hard, educated myself, made sacrifices to get where I was, and now I am going back to the kind of jobs I did without having any college degree.

I haven't done anymore self-help exercises. I wish that death would come --that I'd fall asleep and never wake up and never have to deal with all this again.

I just watched a TV movie with Christine Lahti about a woman who gets dumped by her husband after 25 years, for a younger woman -- her assistant who she's been mentoring -- and loses her job that same week.

Predictably, in the end, her husband wants her back. And a writer who was her first passion, and is famous with a country house in Europe, wants her back, too -- after 25 years apart. And the boss that fires her wants her back. So she gets to tell the hub too bad that the GF wants kids and is pregnant & you don't -- you made your life, now live with it. And she gets to tell the ex-boss to screw himself. And she goes off to Europe to have a happy time with the old BF.

I wanted my life to be happy like that. To get another job fairly quickly. To reunite with my x-husband, whom I hadn't seen during my 15 years with P, & who is the love of my life, an early early passionate relationship that I was too young to appreciate and care for. And none of it happened, of course, my life is not a movie. It is an ********* shipwreck. Send in the national guard. Somebody try to salvage this woman. Peel her off the ground. Glue the pieces back together. I can hardly believe how low I've sunk.