I felt better for three days. Friday, Saturday, Sunday. Monday I was back to feeling off, slightly depressed. And now I've sunk very low. Lower than I have since I had ECT. And it's been going on for longer - this is week 3. Today I feel like I just want to go back to bed and never get out. I stayed in bed an extra half hour today because I could not get up and face work. I dragged myself out because I don't have any paid days left to take and I need a full paycheck. But I don't feel capable today. Time is moving so slow. I'm moving so slow. Yesterday it took me 20 minutes to get off the couch to get my son an ice pop. It was just walking to the kitchen (which is like fifteen feet away in my apartment) and opening the freezer And I had to really psyche myself up for it. Thankfully my husband made dinner last night. He won't be home tonight so I'm all alone with my son until about 8pm.

I really hate this. It's not fair. Invega squashes all mania. I never get euphoric for more than a couple hours. But I keep encountering depressions. So wtf is the point of being on medication? It's ********. If I have to take the lows I want the highs as well.

Right now I don't ****ing care. I hope I lose my job at the end of the school year, then I won't have to come back here and get cursed at and disrespected all day.

I just want any to stay in the social worker's office and cry and sleep and then go home and stay in bed until this is over. It has to get better, right? It has to. I don't want ECT again. Not so soon. I'm just getting my cognitive functioning back. And I lost so many memories. I can't work and get ECT. And I can't afford it with my ridiculously high out of pocket costs. I haven't even paid the bills from the last two years.

It's just not fair. I'm sorry for complaining, I know a lot of you are dealing with bigger things and mine is so petty but I just feel so desperate. Thanks for listening. I'm going to try to get through my day now.