Skybark -- I am interested in what you said about finding out who our real friends are. I'm not sure that I have any either. People were kind when my life fell apart 18 months ago. But I haven't put my life "back together" & I don't know that I ever can. I don't think people really understand about coping with a disease such as lupus because I don't "look sick." And depression is so stigmatized and misunderstood and labeled being "moody" and refusing to help oneself. So all in all, I'm not sure that I have any real friends.

I recently was very hurt by something that happened between a friend and I. I have known this woman (let's call her Jay) for 30 years. About 6-8 months ago, Jay had to take in a friend who had a seizure while driving, had to give up her law practice, and they are trying to find the right medications to help her -- but the meds completely knock her out. She has boyfriend who loves her in Manhattan, but for some reason she is reluctant to give up her life outside of Bosston to marry him. This a childhood friend of Jay.

Jay went through a divorce, has 4 grown kids, and is now getting ready to sell a too-large house. She said, well, my friend has to decide soon whether to marry or whether we should buy a house together. So I said, Well, if I you decide to do that, can I buy into the house, too?

She just laughed it off and said, oh you know, I don't really want to live anyone anymore. I'd rather be off on my own. And she went on and on about how she doesn't really want to buy this house with her other friend. It was such a complete brush-off. And now I don't want to call her. She sends emails, and I reply, but I am very, very hurt that she would contemplate buying a house with other friend but I'm not "good enough."

I don't have so many friends that I can afford to cut myself off -- and I've cut myself from one other female friend who wrote me a critical letter about how I could have kept my home in Florida if I had wanted to -- setting herself up as complete judge of my legal, economic, and emotional state. Because she didn't want to rent a room to me -- and she lives alone in a 4 bedroom home with a split floor plan, where we'd basically just bump into each other in the kitchen. I tried to tell her how I felt, but my voice was very angry -- it wasn't the way I wanted to do it, but my anger was so high, it came out all wrong despite my good intentions to be calm, and she said, "I don't have to listen to this," so I said "Just don't contact me anymore." And we hung up on each othe. And that's it. All contact cut off.

My aunt has a spare bedroom, and let me stay there 10 days. But she won't offer me that room to get back on my feet.

I feel so completely, completely alone.