Wisewoman -- I think your words ARE very wise, indeed. I know intellectually that living in the moment -- taking pleasure in oatmeal and sunny days and the texture and quality of our days -- is the only way that I can have a quality life in the time that remains to me on earth. Yet I am raging like a spoiled child, unwilling to accept that everything went to ******. I am having such trouble with acceptance. It's easy to accept what is when one is young and strong, and there is still time to build the life, the reality, that one wants. But when one's powers become limited, when the weight of past failures that can never be redeemed piles up on one in middle age, and one realizes that one is the last trimester or life, I can no longer read the positive thinking stuff and believe that I can build that better future that I want.

And every therapist and shrink I see agrees -- I have to accept a diminished role for myself.

And I am not being mature or noble or admirable in the way I am dealing with this. You are right, you are right, and I wish this would sink into my soul and I would know that I am blessed just as I am. I pray for this, and I am tired of praying for relief I so rarely feel and moments of grace that are so rare.