So I had a pdoc appt this morning that did not go well. She is always rushing through the appt and doesn't take the time to listen to me or even ask me questions about how I'm doing. I told her I wanted to go in a new direction with my meds because I am fed up with how lithium makes me feel. My quality of life has been so low lately. I just want to feel alive again. I want to see if I can manage with just one med, maybe one that would accomplish mood stability and also act as an AP. She did not agree to take me off lithium and instead switched my risperdal for geodon (20 mg 2x a day I think). I just feel like this is my life, I should be able to try different med combinations if I want to. The fact that my pdoc doesn't listen to me or even ask me questions makes me want to be non-compliant. I want to stop taking my lithium but I know there are big risks with that. I feel like I am a mere shell of who I once was. Yes, I did some problematic things but I felt alive and experienced a wider range of feeling. I feel like I am missing out on my human experience by taking all of this poison every day. I have mixed feelings about it. It has helped me a lot in some ways but I just miss the person that I was. I'm tired of feeling sluggish and foggy all the time. Of feeling like a sick person all the time. Is there anyone out there who has found one med that works for them? I'm ok with taking something. Just hate how it feels taking a big pile of pills every night. Can anyone share their experience with geodon? I've had a lot of hope for all these drugs. I hoped they would make me feel better but I feel horrible! I know all these drugs are the same with the horrible side effects...the weight gain, the mental fog, the lethargy. I feel like I can't win! Either I deal with my intense self unmedicated, or I feel like crap constantly because of side effects.

On another note I need to get a new pdoc but that will mean getting a new T too...and I was just starting to like her. It is so difficult to find quality care with state insurance. I'm considering speaking with a supervisor at my clinic because of the poor quality of my pdoc's treatment. I have just seen so SO MANY different pdocs and therapists...I am SO FED UP with this whole system and being dependent on these people. My life is in their hands and they could care less.

Alright I'll stop. Thanks for reading, and any input is appreciated!