Spent most of the session with her trying to persuade me to go to hospital and me saying no. I know all they will do in hospital is drug me stupid, and my plan would work in hospital too - I actually think being there would make me do it, rather than at home where I second guess myself and can spend time with the animals. She made me promise a million times that I was safe, Im not but I wasnt going to tell her that.

She said meditate 3 times a day and watch a whole lot of tv... I am already doing that. I meditate up to 3 times a day for up to 2 hours a time and the tv is on 6 hours a day... That doesnt help me get any of the stuff I need to get done, done.

I cant function, I cant do my coursework, dishes, i cant even chuck my apple core over the fence to the horse cos I panic when I go outside during the day. I duno why its got like this, the only thing that has changed is the zyban but she didnt seem to think it was causing these symptoms. Im not so sure, I've got suicidal from new meds a few times before. Maybe it will pass?

She wanted me to have constant supervision which is not an option. So I've just stayed in bed meditating or rocking cos thats safe. But shes called some nurse who is supposed to check on me, I duno if it will happen.

I think these episodes are getting worse and the therapy we are doing is not helping, she says she sees improvement, I definitely dont, I feel worse everytime I trip into depression again.