I'm so torn. Last summer, I got to spend the entire season in residential treatment for my eating disorder. I haven't done any ED behaviors or cut in over six months. But I've gained weight. While I'm technically normal weight (BMI is at the cusp of being overweight), I think I am fat, and I cannot seem to wrap my mind around my new weight. I hate it so much I'm thinking about going back to ED to lose it. I probably won't though, so now I just feel hopeless about my weight. I feel like I am doomed to hate my body for the rest of my life. I won't have sex with anybody because I hate my body which obviously ruins my relationships.

I don't know how to explain it. I worked super hard to be where I am (life without ED). I am for the most part much happier. But my weight bugs me to no end. I cannot escape.