ok, today is the last day i see him before he has a mini-vacation due to the long weekend. He does pain management work at a clinic and he is there two days a week...meaning next week there is only one day that he is in the office and he is booked with his regular thursday people. Phooey. i accused him of not thinking i was important enough to have booked me. i am so mature right?

i am going to tackle the connection again with him today. But i just can't talk in person about certain things yet so i am going to write him a short letter today before i go, and ask him to read it after. i want him to leave me a voicemail telling me what he thinks so that i don't spend a week and a half climbing the walls waiting.

this is going to be hard. i NEED tenderness from him...openly. How do i say that? i cannot say those exact words... i can't... if i could i'd be further along than i am... but i have that need now.

My life situation is about to change drastically - again... so more crisis management work. Yay. i can't do anything about the constant upheaval in my life. Wish i could, but that is one reason i am in therapy at all... because i can't seem to do the things i need to smooth out my path.

i have realistic expectations i think... i mean, i don't expect him to rock me to sleep or anything, and i don't want to crawl in his lap. i just want him to lean forward and talk gently to me when i relate something casually that should be painful... i want him to react to bland recitation of painful events the same way he would if i told him those things through a stream of tears. i do things the way i do b/c of a lack of tenderness and care for my feelings over the years... how can i change if the environment still reflects what i already know? I mean, isn't the point of therapy to have a place where the environment is NOT what you have experienced or am i wrong?