> i am going to write him a short letter today before i go, and ask him to read it after.

great idea :-)

> this is going to be hard. i NEED tenderness from him...openly. How do i say that? i cannot say those exact words... i can't... if i could i'd be further along than i am... but i have that need now.

yes. i understand. i've seen many therapists where precisely that came up as an issue. i... couldn't ask for it. i just couldn't :-(

> i just want him to lean forward and talk gently to me when i relate something casually that should be painful... i want him to react to bland recitation of painful events the same way he would if i told him those things through a stream of tears. i do things the way i do b/c of a lack of tenderness and care for my feelings over the years... how can i change if the environment still reflects what i already know? I mean, isn't the point of therapy to have a place where the environment is NOT what you have experienced or am i wrong?

no, you are right.

i found an article on how what helps one move through trauma... is experiencing those feelings that hurt so much in the past (and repeatedly plague one) AT THE VERY SAME TIME as getting different inputs now. in particular... that t is there and that t cares and t's empathy and warmth etc etc. you might be able to find the article if you google "trauma pages". i can't remember which article it was though... try van der kolk (or similar).

you could ask him if he has heard of the notion of a 'holding environment'. or... empathetic attunement. or... mirroring self-object function.

i'm just thinking of ways that he might be able to relate. after i did DBT i was all 'acceptance acceptance acceptance' but this other stuff seems remarkably similar to me...

(okay getting back to work now)

;-)