How often do you get the word salad thing. That's only happened to me three times and I have no memory of the experience any of the times. I am just going off what I was told by the people around me at the time. Are you able to remember after you're in word salad mode?

I really don't want to have to go on a higher dose of an AP because they all cause me massive weight gain and I'm already struggling really hard to lose the 116 lbs that APs put on me in a short amount of time. I've been able to lose 61 lbs since March but I know it's been in an unhealthy way because I've mostly stopped eating and exercise 8 hours a day 4 days a week.

That sucks that your insight comes and goes. That must be frustrating. At this point I don't know if i have full insight. I can usually recognize when I've had a hallucination and know it's just my brain making things up not some mystical magical happening. But I really don't know whether a lot of my thinking is paranoia or just normal anxiety. Like whenever I hear my roommates talking I always think they're talking bad about me and how horrible I am when I have no real evidence that they don't like me. I also automatically assume my best friends have stopped liking me because I'm crazy but I have no real evidence of that. I also assume my pdoc hates me and wants to screw up my body and mind. I do feel I have evidence for that one. That one is hard to let go of rationally. I don't have alien or CIA delusions or anything like that. Just mundane stuff like I don't use my kitchen in my apartment because I'm scared of my roommates seeing what I eat. I also don't let anyone in my room because I think they'll think I'm a disgusting pig and totally out of control. I also assume I'm going to get stabbed or shot whenever I get out of my car at night and I assume anyone near me at night is following me to my apartment to kill me or something. I don't know if any of that counts as paranoia or delusions or if it's just social anxiety. I've never talked to my pdoc or therapist about any of those beliefs because they just seem normal and real to me. But when I sit and think about it afterward I know none of that is rational. What does that stuff sound like to you? Paranoia or anxiety?

I'm glad you at least have insight some of the time. But that must also suck to know what you believe is wrong or messed up.

I've never heard of ptsd causing manic like symptoms in a non bipolar spectrum person. Why do you think that happens? I guess we're both in wait and see mode. You're waiting to see if you have the bipolar side and I'm waiting to see if I have the schizo side of the illness.

The only thing that confuses me about me potentially having schizoaffective is that I thought it was supposed to be a form of schizophrenia not a variation of bipolar if that makes sense. Like the main thing wrong in sza is the schizo side not the mood disorder side rather than like in my case where the bipolar side seems to be the main issue with just bits of psychosis thrown in that happen to occur whether I'm in a mood episode or not. I know I have the if - you-have-this-one-symptom-you-have-sza which is that I hear multiple voices talking to each other that are not real. But that seems like a weird thing that the DSM V counts having that one symptom means you have sza (with mood symptoms as well obviously).

That's good that you're not a naturally anxious person. I definitely am and always have been.

How well are your meds working for you lately? Do you still have hallucinations every day?

What is catatonia like? I've felt what I thought was on the verge of catatonia in some of my really bad depressions where I would just sit there and not have the volition to move or think and everything slowed way down or time was passing weirdly or something and I stayed like that without moving a muscle for hours and hours. I don't know if that's similar to what you go through with your catatonia or not. Might just be a depression thing.

Pretty much, I don't know what's a symptom of what for me and like today I've just been doubting that I even have mental illness at all because I've been feeling like a normal person for the past 6 weeks (just with random hallucinations that don't bother me most days but definitely not constantly. Mostly just in the evenings when things are quieter in reality). I know that doesn't add up because I can remember my last manic episode and sort of remember the hell of all the depressions I've gone through but my memory of those times seems to disappear when I'm feeling fine.

I'm sorry you're considered treatment resistamt. That must be hard to live with.