Thank you all.

I was thinking about it and it seems that something inside me is against sex. I was kissing and touching hard with my just friend and we almost had sex but next day I felt so guilty and horrible about it.
I have many conflicts with my boyfriend, I thought our relationship is over but then we got together again. I don't want to sleep with him Sex is horrible for me, I want to die after sex, it makes me feel sick and guilty and abused. I'm so tired of trying to help myself, now I want to escape from sex and it means I have to leave my boyfriend because he gets mad too often and want sex every time we meet.
Physically I want sex but emotionally I can't so it may be the reason.