I probably will try to handle this next time and I'll probably see him twice next week.

But he's saying that I'm "extremely sick" and he can tell I feel terrible. Which I do.

But on the other hand I don't know that I feel that bad. I mostly feel terrible but it seems like if I ignore feeling agitated and anxious and manic and exhausted and like the mixed episode is playing tug of war with me I'm not unable to function. Which I guess I'm calling being "not that bad". I'm not functioning WELL, it took 3 days to load the dishwasher because of distractibility but I've managed to keep up with laundry, even ironed some stuff. I did eventually run the dishwasher. I have taken care of some medical bill issues and gotten stuff together for Medicaid (granted some of it was about 3 weeks later than it should have been but still in time, I think). I've had times that I just curled up like a pillbug when I'm not sure I was as messed up as I am right now. I feel like I'm handling things.

Mania? Not real? Something I'm managing out of stubborness or burning off manic energy? I don't know.

But I feel both terrible and ok and I don't know how to explain that so I left it with terrible. I SHOULD feel terrible. I think if someone started pointing out the reasons I'm not ok I'd fall apart and so I'm scared to talk about that.

I have no idea what is going on. Tug of war is all I feel and it's not all the end of the world bad. I'm not euphoric in any way. Although maybe I have pathetic euphoria? I feel like I'm telling him what is going on reasonably well. I just don't know.

I guess I'll figure it out by Monday unless someone can explain to me what I'm feeling.....I've been mixed a hundred times and don't remember this so I don't think it's that.....