It has been a really challenging couple of days. Yesterday I had my second eye surgery and although it was successful, my cornea was scratched and I was in pain all night last night. My arm is completely bruised from the blood pressure cuff and I look as though I went a few rounds in the ring.

On top of that T is going away and I won't see him till July 10th. That feels like a million years away. Most of my session this week was spent exploring our relationship and how I felt about his going away. I told him I had an understanding that our relationship was the work of therapy.

I told T about my fantasy of his name disappearing from the door and he was not surprised and said it goes along with my lack of object constancy. He asked how I felt when I saw his name and I told him I was relieved. This felt so risky, and I was so embarrassed that I told him I felt like putting the couch pillow in front of my face, because I missed my glasses. He laughed.

As the session ended he asked if I would like him to call me Thursday before he left for vacation and I said yes. He said it was not unusual for people to need to check in during the week.

About 15 minutes, after I left his office Monday, I panicked and called because I had forgotten to discussing my second surgery with him (which was on Wednesday). I asked if we could speak for a minute or so either Monday or Tuesday before the surgery.

On Monday night I had a panic attack and it felt like someone was literally reaching into my chest and squeezing my heart. Two of my sons were with me and I hated that this happened in front of them. Somewhere inside of me there is a very frightened little girl.

T called me on Tuesday from his cell (phone not jail) . He asked if there was anything in particular about his going away that bothered me and I confessed that I was afraid he wouldn't come back. I said, "You are coming back, aren't you?" He said, "Yes, I am coming back because I have my whole summer schedule set and so we can continue our work together." (Sigh of relief.) We talked about the surgery and he helped me to realize I was well prepared for it. He asked me to let him know after the surgery that I was ok.

On Wednesday, I called after the surgery and left a message that all went well and that I was going to sleep for the afternoon, feeling beat from the experience. By Wednesday around 5:30, I was completely freaked out again and left another ramblng message that
I had a lot to do Thursday morning and maybe we should speak on Wednesday night instead. I was afraid I would miss his call Thursday (today) when I went for my follow up eye doctor appt.

He called me again last night, assured me he was still there and asked how I was feeling. It was a short phone call and he asked about my Thursday morning schedule and asked me to call him at a specific time this morning.

I called this morning and he said he was glad I called. I said, "me too." (LOL, understatement of the year.) The phone call was short. I asked again, when he would be back and he said he would call me as soon as he was back in town next Friday. I said, "The challenge for me now, is to hold onto you without pushing you away." He said, "Oh yeah, how's that going?" and I said "Well okay, but it's only been one day." We both laughed at that point.

My goodness, I think I used up all my get out of jail phone calls in two days.

Seriously, though, the challenge to feel and not push away is real. The pain is real.

Thankfully, I have tons to do over the next week. Beginning my final practicum in literacy, tons of reading to do.

Thanks for listening to this most neurotic and rather long post.....