Hi all,

Myself and change do not mix very well. I just graduated college and now am living home for a while. I don't have a job yet so it's rather boring. I spend most of my time on video games and hanging out with the one friend I have who lives close by. Luckily I'll be seeing a friend who lives about an hour away this weekend. I had so many friends at college I could see all the time. It was great. Now I find myself feeling lonely and sort of trapped. I live with my family now (Mom, Dad, and Brother).They are often quite great a nice people. I can connect with them most of the time.

Unfortunately, my Brother (and I feel like some sort of horrible person for saying this) is usually a trigger for me. He's the type of person who likes to scare you and anger you on purpose. He says it is his job to tease because he's my older brother. He and I fight/argue frequently though not as much as a few years ago. We are able to connect with video games now too so that's nice. He certainly seems to put me in a bad spot in my mind whenever we argue though.

My brother and father fight quite a bit. In fact, we cannot even go to a dinner with just the three of us. We try every week and it always ends badly. I end up listening to a screaming match most of the time. Last night, it was just pure silence after Dad got pissed my brother and I just wanted dinner and not to get **** faced at Happy Hour beforehand. It's always his way or the highway...so we had to leave the restaurant after a couple of drinks without dinner. It was silence the whole way home and I found myself scolding my Dad who did not respond. I'm assuming he either thought I was right or he was being dumb, rude, and possibly ignoring me. I told them "I don't know why I expect to have a nice family dinner with you two when it never happens. I need to lower my expectations and it's not even that much to expect!" I was playing the guilt card. I'm pretty passive aggressive.

Anyways...when I got home from that I just gathered my belongings from downstairs (where I had been playing games) and locked myself into my room for the rest of the night. Anytime I get angry or sad, I lock myself in my room. Everyone knows not to bug me. But they don't know what's going on when I am in my room. I'm not just chilling or breathing. I will literally sit and stare. If I am very angry, I freeze completely because I know that if I move I will throw something and possibly break it. Rarely I do throw things and am lucky they do not break. Most of the time I will get thoughts of suicide. I had one though "If I have to stay in this house like this for too long, there's no way I'm not going to attempt suicide!" Mind you I am good at pushing it out of my head. I know it's really not as bad as my head can make it when I am angry or sad. I am also stressed about where my life will take me though. It just feels kind of meaningless right now...mostly just playing video games.

I also didn't take my medicine for two nights in a row. I find myself feeling very angry today. Prior to that I've had days where I had a very short fuse and would somewhat lash out if someone annoyed me a bit (it's usually my brother). I'm afraid what could happen today. I feel so angry and tense. For example, I couldn't find the hand soap I wanted to use this morning. I got VERY angry over hand soap. Over hand soap!!! Is that not silly? Yet, I still kind of feel slight anger over it!

I don't know why I'm writing this. I guess I just turn here when I know I'm feeling unstable. Change messes with me. In addition, my family can trigger me quite a bit which furthers my instability. I'm not sure they know how they effect me. I'm also not sure how to not let it effect me. I just don't feel good and think that is part of the reason I burry myself in video games.

I would like to feel better and not just avoid my feelings so if there's any sort of advice or something anyone can offer I would appreciate it. Thank you.