Andi Maria
A friend decided she had been here long enough and took her life last night, chronic pain, and couldn’t cope with BP. I'm sitting here at my computer trying one last time to help you understand. As tears roll down my face, I’m in a state of loss and mass confusion. One more time I will try to explain me- me!
Please understand that being sick doesn't mean that I'm not still a human. I spend most of my days in considerable pain and depression. If you visit sometimes, I probably won't seem like much fun, but I'm still me. I still worry about my family, my friends, and life. I still would like to hear about yours.
Understand the difference between "happy" and "healthy". When you've got the flu, you probably feel miserable with it, when your sick for years, it transports you to another place. I can't be miserable all the time; in fact I work hard not to. So, if you're talking to me and I sound happy, it means I'm happy. That's all; it doesn't mean that I'm not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired. Please don't say, oh you're sounding better or you look so healthy. I am merely coping.
Being able to cope with pain, and BP. The problem gets more confusing everyday, it’s like a yo-yo. I never know from day to day; in most cases I never know from minute to minute how I’ll feel. That’s the worst and most frustrating thing of having chronic pain and being BP.
Please understand that chronic pain is variable. It's quite possible one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day, I'll have trouble getting to the next room. Don't attack me or tell me when I’m down saying; but you did it before. If you want me to do something, ask if I can. On a similar note, I may need to cancel a previous commitment at the last minute. If this happens don’t not take it personally. Try to always remember how lucky you are--to be physically able to do all you do. Remember the old me.
Know that getting out may not make me feel better. Most of the time it only makes me worse. You don't know what I go through or how I suffer in my own private time. Telling me to do something to get it off my mind, may frustrate me to tears. If I was capable of living a normal life don’t you think I would. I am working with my doctors, to grasp a straw to help me. Chronic pain and depression affects the whole body. Sometimes participating in a single activity can cause more damage and physical pain than you could ever imagine. Not to mention the recovery time. You can't always read it on my face or in my body language.
If I say I have to sit down, stay in bed it’s not the real me, the monster inside has taken hold again. BP, chronic pain does not forgive, nor does it wait for anyone.
If I seem touchy, forgive me it's not how I want to be. As matter of fact, I try very hard not to be. I hope you will try to understand. The ups and downs of BP are hard for you to understand unless you have it. It wreaks havoc on body, soul and the mind. It is exhausting. I ask you to love me, bear with me, and accept me as I am.
I wish you could understand my situation.
To all my family, so many ways I depend on you, I live my life thru your eyes. I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out... You are my link to a normal life. You help me to keep in touch with the parts of life that I miss.
I know that I have asked a lot from you, and I do thank you for listening. Today, after 19 years, I draw a line thru the forth life in my book of friends.
This letter might be strong. But with Andi's passing the words just flowed out of me.
Andi, I’m so sorry, I miss you. You have taken part of my heart. But I know my God forgives, I’ll be with you one day.

There are tears in heaven.

Tucker