There is no word I can come up with to describe how I'm feeling today. I was kind of low when I woke up but rapidly the mania started pulling harder in the mixed tug of war I've got going on and now I can't sit still. Partly I'm anxious because I'm waiting to hear from my pdoc and since it is likely she'll call I keep waiting for the phone to wring but the only time it has it was a telemarketer. I even put the phone on the edge of the tub while I showered so I couldn't miss it when I couldn't stand waiting to shower anymore. That's probably quite the test of an Otterbox but it came out fine and really didn't get splashed. Still, since this is a used iPhone that I really want to last a while (another year would be great) it's best to be less daring with it.

I feel like I need to start running and not stop until I can't run anymore. (Like Forest Gump). Unfortunately I'm physically unable to run and it's too hot to even go for a walk until later in the evening.

I can't stand feeling like this. Either my pdoc responds today or she doesn't have time and doesn't. Nothing really changes if she doesn't. And possibly nothing changes if she does. But I feel really anxious because I put this all out there and told her every detail of what is going on and although she's never given me reason to think this (the opposite in fact) I'm scared she won't believe me. I can still cover this up pretty well. So why believe me?

I think it's also a million reasons not related to her; I think it's just how the chemicals are right now but it's so uncomfortable. I just want to not be feeling this; I want to be somewhere far away from being me.