Here I am listening to the Goo Goo Dolls Iris, ate so much junk food I could puke. I feel like a stupid girl. Just right. Stupid girl. My mom says I was so much worse, so much sicker, because of my stupid strep throat. She says it was in my body so much longer than I realized. Can a stupid physical illness throw you off the deep end? Now it's a bad night. I'm chocking back tears. Why am I sleeping so much? I'm not sure what happened but I should have fallen asleep by now. Instead, this melancholy hit me like a ton of ****ing bricks. I don't understand it. It couldn't be that I am getting sad again after two hours ago I said I was so much better. Maybe it is just a bad night. Maybe it is the junk food talking. Why am I such a stupid, stupid girl? I have actually gotten fat, I swear. It's the reason why my husband and my mom want me to work out and are trying to get me to eat healthy. I have gotten fat and I am a stupid, stupid girl. This is just tired but can't sleep me talking. Delirious. I will be fine tomorrow.



I have to be on the heavy stuff because I get so sick. My new pdoc won't prescribe benzos because they are a controlled substance which means seroquel or zyprexa it is. I can't take it. I kind of hate my life. I kind of can't take the ups and downs anymore. It's too hard. I kind of hate how sick I get and how it seems I never get better. I kind of hate how big of a burden I am on my family. I just want to be better. I don't want to live like this anymore. I don't want my husband to have to deal with this wife. And, I'm not chocking back tears anymore. I just need to curl up in a ball and have no one to comfort me. I don't want anyone to know I'm crying. I just want silence.