Snowflake,
It can be hard sometimes to be where we want to be. I know it is with me because most of the time I do not even know where it is that I want to be!!
I have been without meds for so long that this bleak sky above me and pummeling anxiety does indeed seem to be normal. My only saving point is that occasionally I will get a few minutes or a few hours that I will actually feel "normal." No mood swings or feeling really crappy....not often though. I miss the days of not having to fight to get out of bed or fight tears just because.
I feel for you..and am here.

Jessica