I'm going from fine to crying to fine to ridiculously hyper and finding everything so funny in just a few minutes. It's not pretty. I have absolutely no idea where my mood is anymore.

I feel so strange because my therapist says I'm "extremely ill" right now and yet part of me completely denies that. That part wants to say "but I'm ok" and there are ways I'm ok. I'm still getting up and getting dressed and showering. I'm doing at least basic housekeeping. But I'm also pretty much at the mercy of the mixed crap now.

I asked a friend how I feel ok and yet can be "extremely ill" said by someone who hates exaggerations, even for humor. Apparently I've done this before, managed to hang on to some abilities like writing (if done slowly and carefully with spellcheck) and then felt like nothing was wrong. In fact my willingness to say something is wrong may be actual progress.

I just want to be able to read my mail without tears. (Medicaid issues; they changed my address when I told them to but not to the actual correct address; instead they used my mom's address for some reason. I've been denied for my annual review but that's in opposition to what my caseworker told me. I'm confused and I need medicaid to be in place because of the risk of hospitalization.) Or the news. Last night I sobbed for 2 minutes because I saw the opening of the observation deck of the Freedom towers on a video on the news. Still not sure why that was so emotional for me. The book I'm reading is great but because I know the main character is going to die at the end I keep getting teary in the happy parts.

I never cry more than a couple minutes, it's just so out of control. Like everything else...