I think my worst fear is ending up in the hospital. That would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me with the exception of death. I have talked a lot to my Therapist about this. My old therapist threatened to have me admitted and years ago when I first was dx'd, my therapist at the time tried to have me admitted. Tried is the key. It wasn't fun being tackled by the police, but the drive in the police car allowed my calmer parts of me to take over and go into survival mode. By the time they got me to the hospital, I was calm, I knew all the right things to say to the admitting Psychiatrist.... and I walked out triumphantly 2 hours later to the chagrin of my Psychologist and spouse.

I did not come from a rich background, nor did I have anything spoon fed to me, I have had to fight for everything I have become in my life, and I have survivor triggers that allow me to be safe... no matter how bad the anxiety and how bad everything is falling apart... dissociation is a blessing that way, as I can look calm, posed and professional, while I am crying and falling apart inside.....

My biggest fear is that as I go through this process of uncovering the secrets I have hidden from myself that I may not be able to hold it together..... me and my therapist have had several discussions about it. .... I can't afford to fall apart, I will not go to the hospital..... I will quit therapy before that happens. However, I have made a promise... as my survivor kicks in to protect me from self harm or worse.... IF I am unable to stop the feelings, and feel I have a choice of Hospital or Death, I will call her. I have never called her and I never will. We text, but she knows if I call, there is only one reason I would call. All I can hope is I never get there as I have an extreme fear of ever going into a hospital ever!