I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I am new here but I learned from my T that a person can have what is called a depressive episode where one might feel suicidal or feel the same way you do right now. My T said that a major stress event can bring it on and that there is a beginning and thankfully, an end. It happened to me recently and really scared me but she was right! I said " oh happy day" it would be nice if someone had told me this could happen years ago!