<Sorry, i started off ranting and raving (all the way to the end of the post actually) and have just seen how long it is. Sorry, just ignore all the nonsense!!! (Well, ok, then in that case just ignore this post).>

things just seem to be spiralling downwards too fast
seems the worse things get the more i must wear my 'i'm ok' mask- things have been going so well at work, and a friend rang just earlier and said i was sounding really great (no i didn't tell her any of how i am really feeling- she lives 1000km away AND was in the middle of work). Yet things are soooo crappy right now. The poor kids ended up wearing the brunt of it all this evening, and they didn't even deserve it. It was like everything they did somehow annoyed me so much that i couldn't cope with any of it...
at least by the time they went to bed i had 'reined myself in' and we were able to all have some nice cuddles etc
but it doesn't make up for a mother who 1 minute is so loving and caring and the next minute is screaming blue murder at them for no reason.
it got so bad at 1 point that i took myself into the kitchen and was so overwhelmed with this uncontrolled anger and rage and fury that i was literally spinning round and round i was so dizzy from it
i keep thinking about something i read about having a BPD mother- how the children never knew what was coming next; when the next onslaught would begin etc. that just intensifies my guilt coz i keep putting myself in their shoes and have so much awareness about what they might be feeling; how scared they must be. but i can't control myself. worse still, my father arrives tomorrow for a week-long visit. He is not really any support... His BPII affects him in his interactions with his granddaughters- he has zero tolerance (not good when one of the girls has SEVERE behaviourla issues, a brain injury and is extremely challenging) and so even asking him to look after her (the other I can put into daycare) while I have a pdoc visit next week is going to be a super-huge thing. Also the house is a tip, i haven't gone round checking that stuff I don't want him to see/find (more to do with SI) are well hidden; even the dishes aren't done yet and it is midnight already... he will be here in about 11 hours. I have no motivation and am specialising in procrastination right now (easy to tell as I am here and not doing al that stuff). I am also freezing cold- the fire is more-or-less out and the temp is about 0oC... so i guess i should really quit my moaning and whineing, and try to do as much as i can around the place now; it will warm me up a bit AND tidy the place up. Won't take away the guilt for treating the girls the way i did, or the fact that i am sooo not coping with things yet the more i don't cope the more my 'mask' tells ppl the opposite. And i can't even ask for help. the worse i feel the more i isolate and physically can't ask for any type of help- something inside stops me. i rang my friend earlier coz i really needed...something...?someone to say that i wasn't sounding so great etc, i guess just to validate my feeling more than anything and i REALLY didn't help when she kept saying that i sounded so good and that everything sounded so good for me...i don't know. see the pdoc on tues; kinda dreading any questions he might ask (if it wasn't for the fact that i don't normally miss appts because i feel a real sense of obligation; and that my psych nurse is taking me i would just not go)- a lot has happened since the last time (the 1st time!) i saw him. Giving up seems like the best option, but for the sake of my girls and all the fighting i have been doing for them this year and how much i love them... (giving up=crawling into bed, going to sleep and not waking up til everything is suddenly 100% ok... my dream way of solving all this hurt and pain)...