I want to put as much info in here as possible so that I can get opinions about what might be happening with me.
1. Today is my foster daughter's birthday. She's been dead 5 years.
2. I found out two weeks ago that the state agency that funds us and monitors programs is doing another audit of my files Oct. 5th. At a later date they will be interviewing me.
3. My agency is supportive of me. I made a mistake a year ago and took responsibility for it. I also gave a program the State implemented a very poor evaluation and have made enemies.
4. Since I have been made aware of the state stuff I have been unproductive, spacey forgetful, am behind on all paperwork.
5. My friends' child is still very ill and in intensive care.
6. I have little concentration and motivation. I do not usually get behind like this in paperwork.
7. I went on a leave of absense from work at the end of May for 8 weeks due to severe depression. It took most of that time to just start the meds working. State stuff and legal stuff with hubby were contributing factors to my depression.
8. My immediate supervisor made a lot of errors with me prior to my leave. I informed my old super who supervises her and I have received apologies and we have agreed to put the past behind us. I am professional, not real personal, but friendly and open about work with her.
9. Today I was feeling very overwhelmed that my records are behind, my filing and organization is behind, and that I am not being very productive. As in usually I can get everything done and handle it and now I can't.
10. I called my old super today and told her that my mood was going down and that I was overwhelmed and non-productive with the pending audit. I asked her about using a support staff person to help with getting files in order etc. I felt like I was sharing personal info and she told me that it was fine to come into the main office and use a support staff person, but that I needed to be discussing this with my super. She put me on the line with my super and I apologized for not speaking with her first but had felt that what I was sharing was personal and I was more comfortable sharing it with the big super. She said no prob and said she would arrange for me to have a support staff all day friday. She asked me if that was all and I couldn't speak because i was going to cry. I am so overwhelmed. So I told her I was overwhelmed and stressed with the audit as well as sick kiddo and that I was not productive and am behind. I was clearly almost crying. She said that we would take care of the files and spoke technically about the supervision I would need to give the support staff assisting me.

I was trying to be open with the fact that I am not doing oh so well. I am worried that the depression is worsening or is it stress and I need to deal? I was asking for help so that I can be the best I can at my job. The tears tell me that I am not doing so well. There are really no more changes that can be made with my current meds and no way will I go off now to try to find a better combo. So here I am. Am I getting depressed again? How can I be healthy through all that is happening? I see my T tomorrow and will share all of this with her. How can I get productive at work again and think clearly? I feel so vulnerable because these State people really are after me and I do not deserve it. I live my life trying to be the best I can at work and at home as well as relationships. I feel I am good at the work I do. Any suggestions out there? HELP