My Support Forums - View Single Post - Can you parents be considered abusive even if they are good, loving parents as well?

wtdh123 · Jun 02, 2015 at 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Learning to address anger, needn't be about them, specifically. Sounds like there was a tremendous amount of dysfunction, at the very least. Dysfunction can wreak havoc on individuals.
Forgiveness, can be something that you do, for yourself, for your wellness, for your own peace of mind. Doesn't mean that you'd need to increase nor decrease contact.
No need to minimize your experience, either, you are just as worthy of being here, as anyone else.

Thank you for your kind words. I thought I had forgiven them, but I also thought it wasn't too bad and that it was partly my fault as well because I could be very difficult at times even though I was very well behaved and never really acted out like most children and teens do.

Quote:

Originally Posted by RainbowG

You are not being a big baby or mean or anything like that. Clearly your parents are emotionally abusive. This is a serious thing, and you have a right to validate it.

I see a number of emotionally abusive experiences in your situation: favoritism (you being the scapegoat, your sister being the golden child), unfair blaming (you are not to blame for their marital problems!), insensitivity to your emotional needs, manipulation, and on and on.

Abusers can certainly be loving and affectionate, so the two aren't incompatible. The fact that some survivors have unaffectionate parents doesn't invalidate your experiences. It's just a different set of experiences. Abusive parents can also appear to be supporting us and boosting our self-esteem, but when their compliments contradict their behavior, we feel there's something fake in them, so it's not real support. That might be what happened in your family.

There's a lot I could identify with in your experiences. My parents were also loving and affectionate and convinced me that we were a loving family. They also appeared to tell me often that I was wonderful. It took me years to realize that I was wonderful only when I did what they wanted. They trained me to hide who I really was and to be only who they wanted me to be.

I also experienced a lot of anxiety as a child, teen, and young adult, though it never got to the point of needing medications. I also was often depressed (though again, not to the point of having trouble functioning). I, however, learned to hide all of it because I learned early that they didn't like to see negative emotions. I had perfect parents, right, so why should I be anxious and depressed?

Anger is not only natural but, in my opinion, healthy. My healing began only when I allowed myself to be angry at them. That lasted quite a while. I don't feel angry anymore, but I also don't even think of it in terms of forgiveness. (This is an extremely complex issue when it comes to abuse of any kind, so I prefer not to open that can of worms. Forgiving abusers is a personal thing.) I think of it in terms of understanding. I realize now that my parents are mentally ill and abuse survivors themselves, and everything they did was a reaction to those painful experiences. At the same time, they hurt me constantly when I was in contact with them, and I have a right to validate that.

I definitely recommend therapy as soon as you can get it. Please make sure your therapist understands emotional abuse. Unfortunately, not all of them do. If s/he tries to convince you that their behavior was normal and you're being over-sensitive or whatever, I strongly recommend you find another therapist! It's that important to talk to someone who validates your experiences.

There are also books out there on emotional abuse. A great one is called "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward. She does write about physical abuse and sexual abuse as well, but there's a lot about emotional abuse in there. It was my wake-up call! There are also a couple more that you might find interesting, like "Cutting Loose" by Howard Halpern and "If You Had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth.

As far as getting over the anger, it's going to take time. I really believe the worst thing an abuse survivor can do is try to get over it too soon. There's a lot to be angry about, and we need to give ourselves the space to be as angry as we need to be for as long as we need to be angry.

It's totally reasonable to lose patience with their behavior as you begin to validate their abuse. It might be a good idea to minimize contact with them as you begin your healing journey to save yourself as much aggravation as possible. (Minimizing contact with your sister might be a good idea as well since it seems she doesn't understand the issues.) At some point, you'll be able to decide whether you really want any contact with them. When you absolutely have to see them, it might be best to continue to be emotionally distant to minimize their behavior.

All of this is to say that there definitely sounds like there was/is emotional abuse in your family and your anger is natural. I really do think reading one or more of the books I noted above will be a helpful first step. Stay strong! Things will get better!

Thank you so much for your message, it was very helpful. I will definitely read the books you mention. I'm finding it very hard to deal with this, because when everything is going well and my parents are not stressed, they act like perfectly normal and loving human beings and I feel like I'm a horrible person for thinking that they are anything less than that. They are still in my home and I mostly stay in my bedroom because I just do not feel like interacting with them and it's really the only way to avoid conflict. Now that I'm barely spending time with them, I'm able to act either fake nice or indifferent, but I feel horribly guilty about it. I feel like they are probably thinking that I don't like them. And maybe I don't, which makes me really sad. I see how they are nice people, but not me. Well, they are, as long as I act like they expect me to. But, if we spend a lot of time together, we will end up fighting, guaranteed. Usually about the dumbest things ever. And yes, I am to blame too, because I can't keep my mouth shut sometimes. But even when I do keep quiet, if something that one of them considers stressful or aggravating happens, they will get angry and fight with each other. Only they are allowed to get angry, I suppose.

I have a hard time thinking they aren't really mean people for treating me the way they did when I was younger, but I know that most likely they thought they were doing nothing wrong, or they would have changed. But at the same time, how can someone think that their kid is a "trouble maker", making them fight, too angry, etc and not want to investigate why? Perhaps if they paid attention they would see that I acted the way I did because they did not respect me, all they cared about was that me and my sister respected THEM. I never saw that as wrong or as them being disrespectful to me, but I do now.

I also feel really bad that they have said they regret coming here to visit me. I'm not sure if they mean it or not, but they have said it several times. Sometimes they blame it on being away from home and travelling being stressful, but it all started with them blaming me, for asking them to come and treating them badly. I never flat out asked them to come though, I just said that they would enjoy the city I'm living in and they should come because it's pretty good. But I didn't care either way (sadly). I didn't mind having them visit me, but if I knew it was going to be like this I would never have said anything. It's now a horrible memory and I will always think I ruined everything. I guess I didn't think it through. We/They have never taken a trip together without fighting, whenever we spend more than a couple of hours together, we get into a disagreement or fight.

But like I said, it's extremely hard because when it's going well they are really really nice. Even if I tell them I hate them or whatever, they will still help me if I need it. Even if my father says he will "give up on me" like he has many times, he never does. And to be fair, I think they do love me, I don't think they fake it or pretend just to manipulate me. They never really ask anything from me, nothing major at least. They don't expect me to contact them regularly, or to take care of them or anything like that. It's like they just don't think, like they don't know how to act differently but it's extremely difficult to not think they are just horrible mean people who only like me when I'm "good" because they only TREAT me nicely when I'm good (even though apparently they love me regardless).

Quote:

Originally Posted by wheredidthepartygo

i also read toxic parents and it was a great eye opener. i think i read it a couple years ago, before i would've ever thought to call my mom abusive. it helped me understand a little bit. i think it was getting me ready for having to accept the full extent of abuse.
cause i totally can relate to not knowing if the abuse was "bad enough" cause your parents were good.
i grew up thinking my mom was the best most loving person in the world. and now whenever i try to bring any of it up she says i'm just doing it to hurt her.
if you're having a hard time because you love them too much, just bring up the abuse and the way they react will piss you off enough to start to be able to validate your own experiences

Thank you, I will read Toxic Parents first. You have a point about bringing it up with them. I have many times in the past, and it's just like you say. Recently it was only minor things and what happens is, I'm accused of dwelling in the past, why can't I just let it go and move on, look ahead...why am I so sensitive or for some things, they just flat out deny even doing it, like the spanking, for instance. My mom casually mentioned something about spanking, criticizing someone and I said "But you used to spank us!" and she is like, no way, I never did that. And I tell her, you most certainly did, I remember running from you several times, and telling you it didn't hurt you just to piss you off. Then she's like, yeah, I did spank you once. But only once. Right, once. LOL. To be fair, a few times I have mentioned a couple of different things, my dad did say that he would have done differently and semi apologized for my mom.

I'm pretty sure my mom has some kind of mental illness and has had it for a long time, but it's hard to think she is not just spoiled and bossy. If it was depression or OCD or any other illness that was not so freaking mean, it would be easier to be compassionate. But whatever it is that she has makes it very hard for me to feel any compassion because I figure that if I could overcome horrible anxiety and panic as a teenager, why can't she at least TRY to be different? My dad too. Why can't they admit that maybe, just maybe, they should act differently? At the very least not be so quick to get angry when I'm anything less than perfect, because like it or not, they are partly to blame because they kind of taught me to act this way. They were the only examples I had for a long time.