Yesterday was the viewing for my husband. I made it through pretty well, better than my sister in law did. I was touched to see the hundreds (yes hundreds - he touched many lives) who came out to pay their final respects. Today was SO much worse. Today I actually had to bury my husband. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. We had an open casket for him and I just clung to him at the end. I didn't want to let go. Letting go meant I would never see him ever again. But I had to let go. I wanted to hop into the casket with him.

I can't do this on my own. I want to be with him that's all I want. I want to die to see him again. I don't want to be here without him. I don't want to live. I wish I didn't have my son. I would have killed myself the second I found him and realized he was dead. I just want to die.

He can't be gone he just can't be its NOT FAIR I lost my father at ten and that nearly killed me. My husband was the one who saved me from myself. And then he has saved me from myself again when bipolar went all haywire on me again. What do I do without him? Who will ever love me as much as him? My family is here for me but it's not the same I could talk to him about anything. And now he's gone. And I failed him.

I knew he was so upset about the fight he had with his mother. He was struggling with trauma from his past and his great aunt had just died. And he told me to go to bed and I asked him if he was going to be safe and he said yes don't worry about me. Because he had already decided to do drugs. He didn't know it would be his last time. I wish he would have talked to me. but he was too worried about me because I had told him I was depressed. If I hadn't been depressed maybe he would have talked to me instead of using.

I'm just so sorry and I cried to him and told him that today I'm so sorry for being so selfish and only seeing my problems and not being able to be there for him I just can't stand it. I can't do this on my own all I want to do is scream and I can't. No one will leave me alone because they are afraid I will hurt myself. And they are damn right I ****ing will I have no reason not to. I just don't have an instrument to use.

I know it will get better but it sure doesn't ****ing feel like it right now. I love him so much I don't see how I can ever let him go. I am lost. I am broken. I wish it were me and not him. And I know how easy I can make that happen but I can't leave my son all alone in the world.

It's just not fair.