This week is making me anxious. It's a lot of being out of my house and interacting with people and that's really draining right now. Well, draining is the wrong word since when I have been out is when I turn around and am most manic and often sleep the least.

I think my accidental extra dose of meds last night and the sleep and grogginess that made today a day I did nothing more than put the dishes I used in the dishwasher really just made me realize how much more tired I am than I knew and I knew I was tired. I so wish I could justify making the same mistake a few more times, but of course I can't. And I know that I need to solve this problem with other meds, not benzos, so I don't really want to ask to crank those up any for 5 more days until I see my pdoc and we can discuss options.

The most anxiety is there. If she's managed to get samples I'll start Latuda. If she hasn't I can't wait any longer and will start something else. I have no idea what. I assume an older AP since I'm having psychotic symptoms on a ton of Seroquel. I'm scared of what med it will be and what it will do to me. I feel like I've gained as much weight as I should. That makes Haldol attractive but I'm at higher risk for tardive dykinesia because of other reactions to APs and so I'm not sure that one will be allowed since it is higher risk that some of the others she has mentioned.

I want desperately to get started on something else, I just wish I knew what it was going to be. And that all the interacting with people this week were over. I'm only going to the wedding, not the reception, so that helps a lot with that. But it's still a big week for me and then I have Sunday at home and Monday is my huge day for the month, the day I see my therapist, drive another hour and a half to the psychiatrist, then drive 2.5 hours home. I'm inevitably completely exhausted and usually have a migraine after that trip. But it's better to do it all in one day.

I just want to get through the next week and after next Wednesday I maybe can relax a bit. My therapist is going on vacation after next Wednesday so I have 10 days without therapy unless he decided I need to see someone else for safety. I'm hoping it is just the right amount of time to adjust to my new med, whatever that is.

This month just feels like it is flying and there is suddenly too much to do.

But it will all pass i'm sure. Mania tends to make time very distorted for me and so I lose track of it right now (which is worrying my therapist) and that makes the concept of tomorrow, Thursday, Saturday all a little fuzzy. My therapist thinks this is more psychosis and the part he finds most worrisome.

I think I'm going to ask him to email my pdoc before my appointment. Hopefully he can do that in a short time frame; he's been sick and busy with things for a couple weeks so hopefully he's feeling up to it. I hate asking him to do that in his free time because he donates his time to me already but I think the back-up would be good.

Too much on my mind obviously........