So, I'm not sure if this is a discussion to make me feel better or a rant to make me feel better but either way here it is. Judge away.

I went on my first date ever at the age of 17. I began dating a sweet *Boy next door* type. He was my first kiss, relationship and everything else. Neither of use ever drank, smokes, did drugs or swore. We were the "Americas sweethearts of our group* Close, and pretty much perfect. Church on sunday, family events on Saturday and still so in love no matter how long time passed.

I grew up in an abusive home, my dad was abusive. I always promised I'd never be my mother, I'd never be with a man who treated me like dirt. I was stronger than that.

My boyfriend treated me like a princess, if anything I was the bully in the relationship.

But when I hit 22 and I didn't have a ring I was discouraged. I also was growing bored of being the "good girl" My friends had their wild teen years as most teens do, I hadn't.
I was busy getting straight A's going to church and volunteering. Suddenly, being with one man seemed awful boring.

I met someone else, yes I was in a mild aspect a cheater. It's taken me a long time to own that title. I hate it, but I own it.

I met a man who was ten years older than me and I thought the sun rose and set on him, I was young and stupid.
It started as text messaging. At first I resisted, then he started laying on compliments. He knew I had daddy issues and he knew how to use them. He'd ask me when the last time I was told I was beautiful and I'd blush like a schoolgirl.

As time progressed he did too, he started being less sweet and more seductive. I went from beautiful to sexy and I liked it. Nobody ever said things like that to me before, his texts while graphic excited me because my current boyfriend and I weren't that open about things.

He started asking me to meet him places and like a stupid moth to a flame I went. Mostly I was curious. I'm not naïve or stupid in the sense of sex, I'm not a blushing virgin but he viewed it all so different than I ever had.

So, we started seeing each other. It felt good, I felt sexy and wanted. He told me he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and have kids with me and I believed every line.

I'll state right now, we never ever had sex. I wanted to, asked a few times and he said he wanted to wait until we were together longer. the furthest it went was shameless kisses in the dark.

Somewhere along the way he got me into drinking, smoking and using language that makes me blush to think about. He said the wild side was attractive and that's how I felt wild and attractive.

Over a few months things got violent. I will admit it....I like the rough stuff. It's embarrassing but true.

He got too rough. Eventually the only things we did together were fight and kiss. If we weren't making out like we wanted to devour each other we were screaming at each other, calling each other names and pushing each other around. I liked it all, it gave me a sick kind of high if he called me names shoved me in the dirt and then kissed me like an animal. I loved it all.

Then he got personal, he began spreading lies about me around. Telling people I was a *****, making up stories about things I'd done in bed with him that weren't true. Once saying I had a threesome with him and his friend and he taped it. He also told people I gave him STDS. He told people I was pregnant and it was his but I was blaming my boyfriend.
I taught sunday school at my church he went to them and told them I was a pervert and shouldn't be around children.

I broke it off, telling him it was too much. I saw the people I was hurting. My mother begged me for months to stop the road I was on and our relationship that was so close suffered. I called her horrible names, and felt guilty.

My boyfriend and I were on the outs, not broken up but not together. I took to beating him. I would push him down and kick him. I would scream until the neighbors heard me.

I was out of control in so many ways. I honestly needed help. My mom threatened to put me away. I was on the verge of a breakdown.

After I broke it off it got worse. The rumors and then it turned dark. He killed my cat and tossed her in my yard, he sabotaged my car and my boyfriends. He was dangerous. The cops eventually got involved and while I didn't get a restraining order he backed off.

That was three years ago and we've had no contact.

Recently my boyfriend *Who amazingly stayed with me* got a job. We were both excited as he also proposed and we are looking forward to starting our new lives. He stuck by me threw nicotine withdraw and the rough patches and I love him more than ever.

My boyfriend was at work last week and my ex whatever, showed up and told everyone at the place that while my boyfriend works he's here, in my house having sex with me.

This can't be further from the truth as I haven't seen him in three years and we never had sex. Ever. not once.

The problem is I went from being confident with my life, I went from being happy with my fiancé and our life to being scared. I want nothing to do with this man. I hate the thought of him.

I know what I did was wrong, I know it. I am a cheater, but I learned from it and it will never happen again. I regret it deeply and wish I could take it back. However it made me who I am and I accept it for what it was me being used. The problem is I don't understand what this mans end game is.

Some say he used me but...for what? I never slept with him. He just screwed with me head for no apparent reason and now has made it clear he's going to keep trying.
Why can't he let go? Why can't he let me be happy?
I just don't understand why this is still an issue. I've moved on my life is working out like I always wanted it to and yet, there he is trying to ruin it.
My boyfriend was so humiliated when he had to tell the people he worked with that while we knew this man I was not intimate with him.

I graduated college, I have a great job, I have a house, I have a fiancé who has a job and we do okay I just got a new to me car.
This man has crap.
He has aids now, a drug problem ,drinking problem, smoking problem, no job he lives at home and his dog was just taken off of him for being used as a fighter.
I don't know why he won't let go, why does he want to keep pulling me down? and why do I keep letting him?
I feel guilty again and hate myself for my choices. I know longer feel strong and confident but broken and ashamed of my life.
He just won't let me go.