My fiance and I are on opposite schedules. He works nights from 7pm-7am rotating days off and I work Mon-Fri 8am-5pm. When we were first dating, I rented a ranch and lived with my horses. I could easily occupy my time on his duty days. However, after a few months of talking about it, I agreed to move in with him to his house. I pay to keep my horses at a boarding facility about an hour from the city (where the house is). Since then, I have slowly but surely slipped in to this ugly depression. Part of me gets very lonely when he's gone because I don't have my outlet (horses/nature/etc) right outside the back door. I have a huge house in the city and am completely isolated. Often it feels like I have to pick between seeing him or my horses, because I have the opportunity to see him if I come home right after work versus going to the horses. Whichever I choose, I feel guilty for neglecting the other. He is very much a homebody and likes to sit inside and read or watch TV or play a game. I am very much an outdoors woman and like to hike and fish and ride my horses.

He can see I am 'down' as he calls it and tries to cheer me up, but I just don't know how to find balance in my life. I am so torn because I don't want to be depressed, but I also feel incredibly selfish. I am grateful for this brand new home, but I don't think he realizes I'd give it all up to live in a tiny cottage with my horses again.

The more he tries to 'support' me, the more I withdraw. He gets very frustrated and tries to make me happy by doing things for me and telling me he's doing them FOR me. He tells me he is going to buy property for ME and he won't ask that we have kids until I'M ready. Which, I get is a REALLY nice thing to say and I know I am really jaded because who wouldn't want to hear that? I am incredibly lucky and thankful for him. But it makes me feel responsible for everything. Like the pressure is on ME to perform and its MY fault we have to potentially move and that I don't want to start a family right now.

And a part of me gets more and more lonely every night he is gone. He's even talked about going to day shift or getting a M-F job for ME but I couldn't ask him to do that. He loves his job. It is so evident. If he did that, he'd be just as unhappy as I am. I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, since I have no family in Texas and I can't really share it with anyone because they all tell me I have the BEST partner in the world. Which I do. I just-- only have him half of the time. And I don't know yet how to adjust to that.