when i was 9, my older brother (4y) started abusing me. first it was only hitting and spitting on me, then the sexual abuse started. i didn't understand what was happening and it wasn't until i was 12 or so that i told my mom. she hit him and talked to him but it continued, the last time i was 16. when i turned 18, i was so sad bc i was now an adult and i had always wished him dead, now by thinking bad thoughts, i would go to jail. we didn't speak for 15 years or so. when we saw each other sometimes, we ignored each other, but once when i was getting engaged, he saw me wrapping presents with his now ex wife and started verbally abusing me badly. after i moved away and got married, i didn't want to be around him in anyway. many years later, at a friend's wedding, he was there and somehow decided in my head that this was enough. i wanted a relationship so badly with his kids and my kids that i would sacrifice my own disgust and pain. for years, i have done this but the anger and fear is always lurking in my head when i think of him.

my mom always said to let it all go, just move on. i told my dad once as a kid and when he denied it, he sent my brother and me into a room to "get our stories straight" and come to a conclusion.

i don't think i can keep living this lie just to keep our kids in each other's lives.