i can't do this. I can't sit here and think about my husband all day and how I'm never going to talk to him again I'm never going to see him again I'm never going to hold him again never going to kiss him again. I feel like I have to cry but I can't cry anymore. I don't want to hold this in but I don't know any other way.

I found a razor to use. It's been at the bottom of the junk drawer in the laundry room for years I'm sure. But I can't do this. I can't. I have to cut myself. I'm scared. I want to die so much I don't know if I can control it. I dont know if I'll be able to stop.

I want to scream and scream and scream that this can't be reality. I can't be without him. He was my world. Maybe that's unhealthy but it was true. And now he's gone and left me alone.

I can't even breathe. Klonopin is not helping. I have my pdoc on Friday but she can't help. This is real, not bipolar. This is my real life and no meds will help me escape it.

**** if I die tonight I will be the happiest girl in heaven. Please if there is a god which I don't see how there could be just kill me before I kill myself.