It is 3:00 a.m. again and I sit at this screen trying to let go of something so deep that I cannot find the words to say. I feel so alone except those inside. You are as real as this blank screen that stares back at me.

Once again one by one letters in black begin to fill this screen forming what I hope are words that connect somehow to this blackness in my mind. I am trying to open up to this piercing darkness starring back at me. I do not have any words to tell you what I feel.

I am very quiet and there is pain beyond my eyes. Please do not ask me who is here with me, I do not know. Please do not ask me to ask inside because I cannot. I just need to know you are near.

I am writing from a great distance away. My heart feels safe there, not out where it can be seen. I do not feel safe and I do not feel here. I cannot do this. It hurts and I do not have it as together as I try to seem.

I do not feel calm in anyway. I may seem calm looking from the outside but you are not within. How do I tell you what I feel when there are no words to tell. Nothing comes as I try to piece together inside.

I can usually put together words to tell but they are not there right now. You do not seem real to me or this place. The night seems to be swallowing me up.

Tick- tock, the minutes click away around me, but time seems to stand still from where I am looking out. Time never stops but inside of me it comes to a stand still--another time, another place.

I hear the sound of the computer and it sounds as wind drowning out my sense of where I am. At times, I feel I am in a dream state, everything moving slowly with no sound. I feel like I am floating away from this place.

I am not connected nor am I in a place of containment. My eyes and face tell a different story if you could see. But I would not want to look at you. Maybe I do not want to look at anyone.

I keep thinking maybe if I keep writing, something will come out. Something profound. That maybe something will be said that will make some sort of sense. That I would begin to feel something--just anything.

But so far nothing. Just silence. It is even hard to write as this screen feels overwhelming to me. So why all the silence? Why now? I have no answers and I am not sure I can hear. Silence is all around. You cannot see me crying or hear me--but tears are everywhere. Tears of silence like before. Just silence.

I wonder what is going on with me? I search inside and I ask but there is no answer. I feel utter silence and internal fear. A gut feeling not just a head feeling. It comes from deep inside. From a place I do not feel familiar with.

The deep-darkness cries out from within but I do not know how to answer, or if there are any answers. I find myself searching from the outside inward finding nothing. Can this darkness be something that is part of who I am?

I do not know how to tell what is wrong. Everyday I feel the heaviness, this knawing at my insides. It is like I am not good enough not worthy enough.

It is like I am looking at a torn up house that you want to fix up but everywhere you look it is beat up and fallen apart. I feel beat up. You cannot see it on the outside but inside it is a shabbles.

I try to remove the debree, but there are nails and splinters sticking out everywhere and if you are not careful you get cut or stuck. Getting stuck hurts but not as bad as getting cut.

There is debree all over and I try to sweep it up but it just stirs around and infects the open wounds. Some splinters are so deep and broken off that I cannot remove them. I try but I cannot get them to come out.

Depression overtakes and I am swallowed inside it all unable to get out. It is a deep-dark hole and I am falling inside and there is a whirlwind that never stops blowing. Even when the suns out, it feels dark.

I am withdrawn and shutdown. I am quiet and reserved. I find no happiness or safety. I am just here right now. And that is even scary and lonely. Sometimes I wonder if I make sense but then again I feel what I write.

Sometimes in this silence, the voices inside get so loud and I cannot hear myself. PTSD sets in and I feel like I am losing my mind. I hear things at times and that scares me. I just want to reach out. Is anyone there?

How many days can one lose? How do I get back to the place I started? The place I could tuck it all inside again and smile behind a fake mask that no one knows exist.

I feel like I am outside a house trying to get inside. But the doors and windows are locked, and the blinds are drawn. And I have lost the key. The key to open the locks--the inside. And I cannot remember what the inside looks like or where everythings been put.

And if I dare make it in, I wonder, will I ever be able to find my way out? Or will it swallow me up lost inside somewhere among everything. Sometimes, in my head, I think I can do this and then sometimes, I just think I am crazy.

I feel like I am like them, the people, sometimes I am afraid I am like them, or maybe I will be. It is like connecting the dots inside. Sometimes I connect three or four of them but most of the time they are really far aprt.

And would I know how to get to the next dot if there was another connection to me. They seem stitched together at times. If I could, I would go back to the beginnig. I could tell it over and over again. I can go line by line, but there is no way for me to prove it except through this life that mirrors everything.

If I could go back, I would find a way out. I would run, I would tell, I would allow myself to die. If I knew how painful it was going to be. But I cannot go back so I fight each day--reaching forward with one foot going forward and one foot afraid to move.

I do not just struggle with connecting to the people inside the body. I have felt this disconnection my whole life. For as long as I remember, I have avoided looking too deeply into peoples eyes because I am afraid that if they really look at me--if they really look into my soul--they would see no one was there. Not right now, it is empty.

I find no happiness--no joy. I fear the fire happening and I long for someone to help me. I fear noise and I hunger to silence. I shy completely to touch and desire to numb to nothing. There is no love anywhere.

I long to be held but that implies emotional intimacy, a gesture from one person to another and it is something I cannot understand. Contact reminds you that you are also a person and that somehow may care. It feels profoundly false and not warrented.

Sometimes though it is a losing battle, a terrifying onslaught of shrieking at a terrible pitch. A feeling that your heart is about to burst, your body itself shatter like glass. It is not experienced as much as seen.

I try to stay present but I have such a desire to run. I cannot stop thinking, heart pounding, head spinning with thoughts--yet no words. It feels that all day is night and night is blackness. It swallows you up. But I stand in the shadows.

I do not know if any of this makes sense and I am sorry it is so long. Sometimes I get to writing and I lose track. And though I feel there are no words, I look back and they are filling the screen.

They come from somewhere inside where they must make some sense and find their way out. I find myself frustrated as my mind reaches out but my heart puts up a shield around itself.

purplesecrets