i have always thought that knowing personal stuff about T was what i wanted... that i couldn’t get enough of it ya know... but this past Wednesday... our last session before an 11 day break sucked like hell... because T told me something personal, by accident i guess... and it had the most devastating effect on me...

my T is 56, we were having a light-hearted conversation about cell phone text messages and how they have affected therapy even... and out of the blue she said “my sister died over 30 years ago and sometimes i wonder what she would think of all the technological advances if she came back today”...

i felt absolutely floored at knowing T’s sister had died so young... it felt like being hit by a sledgehammer... and i couldn’t hide it from T... she was concerned that she had said something to hurt me...?????!!!! wanted to know how i felt hearing that... i have never felt so lost with her... it felt wildly inappropriate to be talking about something so personally tragic for T in the context of how “I” felt about hearing it.... she said “it was tragic but it was a long time ago...”

i felt so confused... but what spun me out of control was that all i could let myself feel was a strong sense of anger... anger at T for telling me such a thing... i feel like i have this in built need... want... to protect T from anything bad... and this just hit me so hard... and i could find no words to explain it...

we left the session as ok as we could... i text her afterwards and said “there is so much i don’t know, but one thing i know for sure is that i love you with all my heart”... she text me back and said “i take your love very seriously...” etc etc....

i guess this is the first time i have thought that although i want T to think of me as a friend i suddenly feel more at home in the “patient” category... this self-disclosure has hit me way too hard... but i feel like the lowest person for being angry at T for giving me this information...

i have read posts on here extolling the virtues of knowing less about T... today i can see the reasoning behind it...

thank you for reading... just writing this has made it clearer in my mind... therapy sure is a minefield at times... huh??!