Ok, I get post traumatic stress disorder stuff when I post this. I get scared out of my mind and suicidal because of it. It's not serious. I do not trust many people, I don't associate myself with those people. It's hard to explain it distorts reality and I get confused that everyone hates me. Sometimes I don't care to explain and go with that I'm crazy to just avoid them. I don't do this a lot with people I know.

The only part that made it a cycle was my lack of emotional self awareness of my emotions of painful ones. I'm feeling over something that shouldn't bother me. It's ptsd at it's finest. I'm getting better at it.

I also had a realization. I have it much harder than most people mentally, I struggle internalizing my struggles to keep friends and trying to being sane while maintaining a confusing time. It's not really that bad. After 17 years of abuse and struggling with isolation. I felt therapy doesn't help much.

I feel I came to a realization today. I shouldn't get to hard on myself when I'm down anymore, because I hate being here so I don't deserve to be suffering here anymore.

I saw a childhood friend, and in my mind some bizarre trigger of whatever came in to being. I realized it's my fear that I'll die alone and unhappy. I can change that I get pushed around a lot and when I'm upset I'm not allowed to be in my house. It's messed up, I have to cover my mouth when I cry it sometimes causes me to panic feeling like when I was scared I was taken hostage before by a neighbor. So it brings bad memories back.

Before you judge and assume that I'm like this 24/7. I don't like talking about the real me that's good on here, because I fear being criticized, because I am exhausted. Not that I don't want to hear it.