I wrote this letter to my T and I plan to give it to him when I see him on Tuesday but I want to know if it makes sense.

Dear Steve,

I have been thinking a lot lately about everything and I’ve come to a decision. Life just sucks and it won’t get any better. I am really struggling right now and it seems like when I vocalize this no one is listening.

Everyone says how good I am doing but I just see a lifetime of struggles and stupid mistakes. I feel like I am standing in a crowded room screaming and no one is listening. I know you said I freaked out Dr. Farrow and that was not my intent I was just vocalizing what I am feeling. Maybe I do need to be put in the hospital. I really don’t want to go though because I know I’d have to go back to Little Rock, as Vista never has any openings. I really don’t want to go to Little Rock. No one could come see me. I feel so all alone in Little Rock the few times I’ve been there. I also don’t like that someone is telling me when I can come home. You say there aren’t any 72-hour holds anymore but I am scared that you are telling me this just to calm me down. I want to believe you but for some reason I just can’t.

I just want it all to end and just make all the pain go away. Why can’t I make that happen? I am trying so hard to do what I think others want me to do and am trying so hard to make things work in therapy. I do what you tell me to do but it doesn’t seem to be working. I feel like I am in crisis all the time. I know that is part of what being borderline is but it seems like my life is ruled by my disorder. I want to rule my disorder not have it rule me. I want to have control over my life but it doesn’t seem that is going to happen anytime soon. Why can’t I just wake up and all things be ok. I want the magic wand to be waved over me so that I can be normal. I know you say that there is no such thing as normal but I don’t want to be on disability, I don’t want to have to come see you twice a week, I don’t want to be on medicine. I want to be well. I don’t think that is ever going to happen though and that scares me. What if everything I’m doing is for nothing. What if all this work I’m doing is just a waste of time because I’ll never get any better. If I’m never going to get better it would be better off if I wasn’t here.