hannabee, you make a lot of good points. And that is exactly the line of thinking I have been following for awhile now. I have sacrificed a lot to maintain our relationship and keep him happy. As a result, I myself have become unhappy.

Last night, I actually did go straight to the horses instead of home to see him before he leaves for work. And it was liberating. Later, though, he called and told me he'd been in a chase and got a bit banged up wrestling with someone that tried to attack him on duty. That made me feel really awful. I think I feel so obligated to be home and do what he wants because he has this dangerous job and I know if I went to my horses instead of seeing him one night and something truly awful happened (heaven forbid) I couldn't forgive myself.

But, I have to STOP thinking that way. Because anything can happen at any moment. I could get struck by lightning or he could choke on a pea. Granted, he works in a more risky field, but that is his choice and his passion. I can't shackle myself to him because I'm afraid something bad is going to happen.

I tread the line of worry and guilt at not being around and then waver over to bitterness that I am having to miss out on opportunities because I am isolating myself from my life.

But, I need to stand up for myself. I have been lately. If I want to go hike, I go hike. If I want to see my horses, I see my horses. He's been supportive. And that's great. I have to learn to LET go and if he WANTS to go to day shift or he WANTS to buy a house on property, then its because he WANTS it and not because he is just doing it to make me happy. He tells me all the time how I've changed his life and made him the happiest and best person. His family tells me the same thing. So do his friends. And I think to myself--- I wish I felt that way. But, part of me is afraid to feel that way. I'm afraid to open my heart up because I know that he could be taken away from me. I know that he won't be there half the time. And that scares me. Because I don't want to look back years from now and realize how much I missed because he wasn't there.

Thanks for giving me the time and letting me vent!