Hi dalila,

I’m sure I’m amongst many who wish there were some magic wand to wave, vanishing all of the pain around issues like this. But like tranquility mentioned it’s a matter of reaching acceptance and recognizing that it wasn’t your fault.

Although my mother is still living I walk life with the reality of how unavailable she is to me. For a long time I believed that I was a bad child and that it was my job to mend our relationship. I’ve always felt like a failure around it and would obsess over new and better ways to gain her love. It wasn’t until recently my therapist helped me to understand how limited both of my parents are. And no matter how hard I try on my end, nothing will change as long as they’re stuck on their end. Like you, I crave answers and reasons and as much as I hate to hear that this is the best my parents can do... I’m somehow able to see the truth in it. And after accepting this reality and realizing that their behavior has nothing to do with me, I’m now able to genuinely grieve over not having those parents I’ve always wished for. And what’s surprising to me is how much weight has been lifted from my heart. I never realized how big of burden I was carrying.

I’m not cured though and I ache for a parent’s warm embrace just as you do. I don’t think that will ever fade since it’s a natural human instinct. But one thing I’ve learned is how we can all practice being more kind to ourselves. We should treat our wounds like we would for a dear friend... with patience, love, and reassurance.

Take care and I send you thoughts of peace and comfort. ~ Bee