For weeks I have felt like I was being pulled apart by my mixed symptoms. Mania is at my head and depression my toes and both are pulling as hard as they can. And it turns out that I've become completely unable to communicate how I feel.

My mania is dysphoric (it always is) and this time I've been more bothered by the mania. So I've been talking about mania in therapy and trying to deal with it. And when I talked to my therapist today it turns out that it is more that I'm not equally describing the dysphoria and so I think he has been hearing "mania" and seeing "exhausted and more depressed with some manic symptoms". He knows that I have a lot of trouble expressing myself when it gets bad and that I tend to try to cover up manic symptoms even when I'll talk about them. I'll also cover up bad depression and I've been covering both ends lately I think.

I need to talk more about this. Of course it didn't come up until the end of my session and I didn't fully hear what he said about it. I know that he was saying it was ok but not hearing the specifics of what he said I am now unable to quit worrying that he thinks I've been making this up. Which is not the case, wouldn't make sense and this isn't the first time this has happened.

But I feel so stupid. I have to wait for Monday to fix it and now I am really needing to hear that I'm not faking. (This is a problem I've had for a long time. I wasn't allowed to complain as a kid and didn't learn how to tell someone something was wrong until I was 35 and my family dr has worked with me on teaching me). I now feel plenty depressed although I'm now getting nice and agitated so sleep will be interesting.

It's not good that the more I need to communicate the worse I am at it. I barely got myself to a hospital when I was ready to act on a suicide plan because I was covering how I was feeling successfully enough that nobody guessed. Now there is a lot less leniency and I wouldn't get away with that as easily but confused reporting apparently is still quite possible.

I want to hide somewhere for a long time until I feel better and know how to get the right words out of my mouth.