I am so weak for this life. Today i found out that i have two incurable health conditions. Doctor told me that my prostatitis became chronic and that i have two cysts in my testicles that can be removed only through operation. For now they are too small and operation is not necessary, but high chances are that they will grow with time and operation will be required. Im scared as hell. All my life i've been hoping that i wont ever be on operation table. And now im living in constant danger that i might need operation on most sensitive part of male body. Pain will be unbearable and long-term. I can end up living with pain all my life and become infertile. I probably wont be able to become a father, ever.
Now im living in constant anxiety. In addition i have prostatitis a lot of pain and a lot of discomfort feelings in that area. Im feeling that im falling into deep depression. This is very wrong time to do that, because of relationship with new girlfriend. I told her all about it and she said she would support me, but im not that guy, with whom she develop crush, anymore. Im just depressed, scared little boy, who can only think about his testicles. We didnt have sex yet and we wont anytime soon - with stress like that i cant even think about it.
My mothers been telling me that the cysts might not grow at all and i have nothing to worry about. But i cant just forget about it and distract myself. I think about those cysts every minute. If they will grow, they will cause permanent pain in that area and i'll have to do the operation, that also might leave me with chronic pain. Internet has dozens of stories on that matter - a lot of people were living with those cysts for 5-10-15 and, at some moment, they started to grow and they ended up on operation table. I've read it so much that i get the feeling that they always grow, no matter what. Damn, im so afraid. Nothing can distract me.
Really dislike my life right now. I cant normally function. Right now, im writing this post instead of sleeping, because i lost my sleep. Dont know how i'll be able to work today. The whole world seems like big fake of decorations. Healthy smug people walk everywhere and i'll have to pretend im one of them. HOW? I dont know. I dont want to live like that, at all. I wish i wasnt born into this. Life is full of bad things. You born and discover that the your body has ultimate mission to kill you. And before it finally does, you encounter hundreds of body small attempts to do that. Life itself is full of stress, society is survival of the fittest, that tests you everyday. And despite all the problems you have, that related to just making through the day, doctor tells you that your balls will probably have to be cutted open. What the hell? How should i live with this?