I'm so sorry. You are not a horrible person. You are a person with bipolar who has had a terrible, traumatic shock and you're grieving.

Do you have family or friends who can help support you through this? Someone you can call up and talk to and cry to when you get the urge to self harm? A plan for dealing with the urge to self harm?

Your son needs you. If he can't do without you for a few days in IP, then how is he going to do without you for the rest of his life, if you end up leaving him? What would it do to him to lose both parents? You have to take care of yourself so you can take care of him.

He loves you and he needs you. And you need him. Right now, the best thing you can do for yourself, for your son, and for your husband (because he would want you to be well and for your son to be taken care of, I'm sure) - is to be honest about how much you are suffering.

There is no shame in it. Grief is terrible. Right now I am grieving the first major loss in my life and I have so much sympathy for you. There is nothing wrong with how you are feeling. The problem is it's just overwhelming, and you need help to deal with it.