This is going to be a long one.

So, I have a very real opportunity to have the first real, deep, intimate, romantic relationship of my entire life. With a girl I’ve been hanging out with for about a year now. Hell, we have pretty much been *dating* in all that time, just without the official relationship. We hang out almost every day, we go get food, we go see movies, we go to bookstores and videogame stores, we just lounge around and watch Netflix, etc.
We get each other, we really do. We can always talk to one another about anything. We’re on the same wavelength.
Also, it should be said, we’re very understanding of one another when it comes to sex. We’re able to openly talk about sex, the things we like, the things we don’t like, and what we’re curious about. We’re able to have those conversations with one another comfortably, which is pretty cool.

Here’s where things start to get complicated. We’ve done some sexual experimentation with one another a handful of times before. This is something we both decided to try because I was (and very much still am) in a period of my life where I am discovering and exploring my relationship with my own sexuality and sexuality in general.
It was a first for me, and it was scary. Scary because I’d never done anything of the sort before and scary because we were both afraid of the possibility that this would damage or change our friendship, which neither of us wanted. It all worked out in the end because we were careful and responsible. We had very open and honest talks about how we both felt, what our concerns were, what our boundaries were, etc.
I could write about that for ages. But to give a cliff-notes version we were both careful, we enjoyed ourselves, we were safe as we could ever be, and we both appreciated the chance to safely and comfortably experiment with one another. We were always concerned after about it having a negative impact on our friendship, but nothing ever came of it. Just a day or two latter we were back hanging out, playing video games, going to get coffee, with no awkwardness.

Maybe it was inevitable, but things have now taken a turn.

A week or so ago, this friend of mine brought up the subject. She said that the thought of us being in a serious relationship had crossed her mind and was curious to know how I felt about the matter. And that’s what’s got me writing this absurdly long post. Because I’m trying to figure out the answer to that question myself.
It isn’t as if the thought of the two of us really being together as a couple hasn’t crossed my mind. It crossed my mind the first night we got together to hang out. After all, we get along really really well. We like so many of the same things, we’re interested in to so much of the same stuff. We’re 110% comfortable and honest around one another. We’re at ease together. And honestly just jumping in and being a couple would make a lot of sense and make a lot of things easier. After all I wasn’t kidding when I said we were already practically dating. We hang out together just about every day we’re both at home.

Thing is; I’m worried, I’m unsure, I’m hesitant, and I’m scarred.

-I’ve never been in a relationship before, this would be my first one. That’s scary enough.

-She’s going to a different school than I am. She’ll be home for a few more weeks over the course of the next few months, but then we’ll be a very long way away from one another.

-She’s ployamorous. Let me be absolutely clear: I DO NOT hold this against her in any way. In fact, I think she’s brave and I respect her for being so comfortable and sure in her sexuality. But I would not be comfortable with this if we were in a relationship together. It would hurt me, a lot.

-She’s having a really rough time in her life right now. I mean, wow, I can’t even imagine. My friend has been trough some traumatic experiences over recent years. She is currently having to deal with, among other things: ADHD, major depression, anxiety disorders, trauma, and borderline personality disorder. Since we met, I have always made it a point that I am available to talk to, vent to, and look to for support, as I do with all of the people I care about. But at times, she can get pretty overbearing. I always want to feel that I am helping my friends when they are having a though time, but at times I feel like she makes me responsible for her mental health and well being, even if she doesn’t realize it. It gets pretty taxing at times.

-I’m very worried that she’d want to be in a relationship with me primarily for the sexual aspect. This is a huge no-no for me and worries me a lot. I am proud of myself for pushing my boundaries and exploring my sexuality by experimenting with my friend. I’m proud of both of us for being as safe and consensual as two people can possibly be. But it’s still very much new territory for me, and I’m still figuring out how I feel about my own sexuality and how sex will fit into my life and who I am as a person. That’s why this is a concern for me.

-In our most recent bouts of fooling around, I brought my friend to orgasm, twice. This is significant in a few ways. For one, my friend has told me she is not accustomed to being the focus of sexual pleasure with her partners. She has told me the she has not reached orgasm with a partner in an extremely long time. It’s significant for me because it’s weird, really weird. Sex is something I’m so very new to, it’s something I’ve fought with, struggled with, and been afraid of my entire life. So to start dipping my toe into actual sexual activity and have someone tell me that I’m actually *good* at it is… strange. And a little disturbing to be honest as I’m still struggling to see myself as a sexual creature. I’m still unsure if I *want* to see myself as a sexual creature.

-To add a cherry to the top of this pile, my friend has some serious body image and self-esteem issues. Out friendship has been, as she puts it, the most positive relationship she’s ever had. I like her for who she is and that’s a good thing. But there’s a very distinct possibility that she is simply in an emotional and mental funk. A week or two form now she could work things out, and the notion of us being in a relationship together may not be on her mind at all.

I could go on. And I don’t like that. I hate thinking about this in this way. I don’t like reducing my relationship with this girl to a damn pros and cons list.
But I have to rant because honestly I don’t know what else to do. I don’t know where to turn I don’t know what to think. At times I feel as if I’d be completely on board for a real relationship with this girl, other times I’m utterly opposed to the idea.
All I know for sure is that she’s really important to me as a friend and I don’t want to do anything to jeopardize that. And I know that whatever I do, I want to do it for the right reasons and I don’t want anyone to get hurt.

I don’t know if I’m really looking for suggestions or advice here, though I appreciate any and all that I get. I don’t see any right or wrong way to move forward, which is driving me nuts. Hell, I don’t know if too many people will read this whole thing. I just needed to get this all in writing.

End of rant.