You know what Trace? Each human being slowly develops their own unique universe as they grow and develop as an individual. Each and every one of us develops according to whatever we are exposed to including what we see, so in that alone we are all unique and cannot be duplicated. The truth is we really are just animals, however, we happen to be the most intelligent animals on this planet. There are a lot of things that we do that animals do though, and that is we are born and are designed to imprint and follow some kind of path of survival. That being said, we also do have our own unique genetic design that comes from our family line too. If you take some time and go to someplace where you can just sit and observe other human beings, it becomes very clear how very much we really "are" all unique in a physical way too. Truth is, "everything" in nature is that way. The only things that are the same as much as they can be the same are the things that are man made.

Now, when it comes to your father and you, while you did grew up around him, and you did know him in "your way", you still did not really know all of him. Your father developed into who he was based on all that "he" was exposed to growing and developing as a person, so there is no way you could have known "all" of him because you did not experience "his world and everything that went into that world in him". And in his private world he had that shelf too, because EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS THAT SHELF of experiences they did not know what to do about or have the skills to control or understand. Also, most if not all human beings don't really know how to talk about that private shelf either.

You say you knew your father was depressed, however, there was really no way you were going to really understand his personal history that is involved in that depression.
Also, when it comes to depression, there can be several factors that are included in that challenge that we are trying to learn about, some of it has to do with hormones, and health, and how an individual manages "stress" too. So, there was really no way you could have understood exactly what he was dealing with where he came to the choice he made. You are not alone with "wanting" to know though because there are studies going on all the time in an effort to understand it.

A child tends to "unknowingly" look to a parent for an example, we are all designed that way, can't help it. However, we also have to learn that we can view our parents in whatever way they managed their lives and do better too. We are actually designed to do just that as well, the evidence of that is in everything you see around you and how different it is compared to what our parents had to use as they lived their lives. One thing we are always doing is creating new technology, we have been doing that since the beginning too. At the same time we have also been trying to learn about ourselves too, there are now so many written words from countless individuals that have shared whatever they have figured out for us to read. So, if you think your challenges are unique, think again because others have had similar life challenges, spent time thinking about these challenges and made it a point to learn about them and write about them. PTSD and what is called "complex" PTSD has been a challenge in humanity probably since the beginning. Most human beings are affected by some kind of MI during their life time did you know that? Many/a high percentage of, human beings experience some kind of depression during their life time too. What we have been learning is how differently it affects women compared to men because they are designed differently. We have been slowly learning "how" men experience stress and try to manage it, sometimes not very well, but often don't ask for help because they often feel that means they are weak and they can't be "weak". Well, often they struggle really bad, and hide it, and we are now learning "how" to help them so they can learn to manage it better. Well, if this is really fairly new, then how are "you" supposed to know more than that? Well, you can't blame yourself for not knowing, because MOST don't know and there really has been a huge effort to understand it because of just that.

That being said, while this is a part of your own personal challenge, it is a "different than your challenge", and that is important for you to understand. What I mean by that is that while you had a closeness with your father, you are still two separate unique individuals too. Some individuals wonder "am I going to end up like him?", the answer is NO, because while you did know him, you are still a separate individual and can actually have "more advantage" than him, and you always did have that, it's important to remember that.

When we lose someone we are close to, it is very hard to learn "how" to live our lives without that presence in our lives, it's hard for everyone to figure that out, it is hard for anyone to figure out how to adjust to anything we get accustomed to living with that for some reason suddenly is not "there". The ONLY way we can learn to do this, is by learning to live our lives "gradually" without whatever has been changed. We never forget something lost, however, what we do learn is how to slowly live without whatever it is.

God grant me the knowledge to accept the things I cannot change, and to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference between the two. That is what we need to keep in our mind each day as we do this thing called "life".

You cannot change what took place, and it is going to take you time to accept that and slowly heal and keep on, and you CAN slowly learn how Trace.