Hi mc, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this trouble. Are you going to any AA meetings or anything like that? Can you talk to your therapist about this? What does he/she say?

Losing loved ones is definitely life changing. From the time my best friend died my life started a slow descent. I'm worried about when my mother passes too, even though I have very little relationship with her. Please don't hate yourself. You're doing the best you can right now.