Evening, couch.

I am home and relaxed. I always feel so out of place in other stores, but I survived. The same tech of theirs that called out tonight because she was puking all day is still puking and called out tomorrow morning while I was there tonight. I was asked to cover, but I declined because it overlapped with when I was suppposed to be at my store. Valid reason. Even if there wasn't overlap, I probably still would have declined because I don't want to work all day and night. They understood my declining. They teased that their store was better and I should call out sick on my store to work for them. I knew they were kidding of course.

Need to try to clean some more tomorrow morning before I go into my store in the afternoon. Going into a store to fill in tonight took away from my cleaning. Oh well, I probably would have found something else to do anyways, so I might as well have been making money.

It was a slow store, but they were all acting like it was extremely busy tonight. Strange how the norm for some stores is busy for others. My store wouldn't know what to do if we had a night like the store I was in tonight had. We'd all be playing tiddly-winks or soemthing.

Back to my store tomorrow afternoon/night. I like my store. I feel at home there.

Maybe I will try to clean at least a tiny bit tonight. I don't know why I have so much resistance against getting the job done. Very strange. I wish I knew.

Well, I need to stop blabbing. I just don't have anyone to talk to. I miss my old T an being able to bounce things off her between sessions. The "new" T only allows contact outside of sessions for emergencies and even then, you have to call her answerign service who will call her with the message. I miss being able to have email contact and a cell number. I guess my first/old T spoiled me. Okay, I need to quit thinking about her before I start crying about her retirement again. She has the right to retire, she is 74. I guess I just am being selfish wanting her to practice forever. I guess I have attachment issues, she was more like a mother to me than my own mother was. There's still the chance of seeing her occassionally as a customer, she uses the pharmacy I work at, so there is always that possibility. I don't know how I would react if it were to happen, but I will worry about that when it does happen. And my "new" therapist thinks I don't need therapy anymore, if only she knew how deep some of my issues/struggles are. Maybe she will see that after being in contact with my old T. Hopefully she does, I don't know how to deal with my stuggles on my own without just shutting down and turning everything off. That's not real healthy to do. Since I cannot email and am terrible at bringing things up in session, maybe I will snail-mail a letter to new T. She will still get it before my next session and then she will know what we need to talk about and will hopefully bring it up next session. I want to come out of my shell, but it feels so difficult to do. I would rather pull my head inside and stick to myself and hide my true self from the rest of the world. I have no friends to hang out with. Sure I talk to my co-workers when I am at work at my home store, but I am not friendly enough with them to hang out with them outside of work. That goes for both jobs...school and CVS. So, I lock myself in my room and sit on the computer or sleep. Yes, I will occassionally sit in the living room with M-A and watch TV, but we really don't talk, we are just both out there. M-A doesn't get out much either as she is supposed to take it easy still after having knee surgery a few months ago, so it's not like I could go to a movie or soemthing with her. I hate my lack of social skills. I want to be normal. I hate being so reserved. I just don't know how to turn my personality upside down and be normal. So, away I sit at being aloof and distant.

Ok, I will really shut up now.