My husband has my meds.

I don't do self harm stuff. The sight of blood makes me want to faint. And I don't like scars. I just don't do that. It's not my thing. It's not my style. People have different styles. That's just not mine.

Inpatient is simply something I cannot afford. I was just inpatient in january. I owe many medical bills from that stay that I cannot pay. It is something that is not an option.

I could drown myself I suppose. But I'm freaked about drowning. It's actually one of my serious fears. That I'll drown some day, like get stuck in a car that goes over a bridge. Or get badly burned and have a melted face and no hair. That would not be good. I would not like that. I like having hair.

I think about the universe often. How insignificant we all really are.

And what is there really after death. Is there reincarnation. I feel that my husband and I are soul mates, so there has to be souls. There must me. But who knows really. We all have our turn. I'll find out someday. It's like we all have a turn at each age. My coworker says that a lot. That we all have our turn at each age, unless you die prematurely of course, like in a car accident, or falling off a building or something. Across the street they're doing some roof work, and whenever I see a man standing on a roof it makes me cringe. I'm afraid of heights. I would never jump off a building. Heights make me feel sick. I used to not be afraid of heights. When I was a child I wasn't. I guess as you get older you become afraid of certain things.

I want to ride on a roller coaster. I want to go to the park late at night and go on the swings and pretend I'm on one, but I'm too paranoid. They were following me last night. Cars were that is. People were. I don't know why. I don't want to be followed around. I want the evil thing to leave me alone.