Many, if not most verbal or even physical abusers are the way they are because they struggle with control, they get upset/frightened/angry when they don't feel a sense of control. These individuals never learned to be "flexible", but instead carry a heavy internal load of "stressing" and not knowing what to do about that stress.

When you have the reactions you struggle with that you have discribed, that is actually what "he" feels inside that "you" unknowingly absorb. Women instinctively know to cower because they realize that when they stop this individual's way of releasing pent up stress, it makes them even worse. This is what develops into a codependent relationship. The sad part about this is it is due to how these men never learned what to do with their stress, they are often just told to "man up" instead. So, what they slowly begin to do is express a "negative action", either that or they try to burn it off by doing something to have some kind of perfect look or brings a visual result of something being "under control". That is why many men are good at tinkering with cars/engines and doing construction or go hunting or go shoot guns at target practice, or get involved with sports even. They are not designed very well to nurture, but to instead "take action", that is what they had to do in order for us to survive as a species. Also, what typically comes more natural to them when it comes to children, especially sons, is doing an activity with that son as that is what brings males a sense of "control".

I bet you can list all his negative actions/verbal abuses, each one of those is his way of taking an action so he can gain a sense of "control". So what this means is this is what he unknowing learned for HIM, to fill HIS NEED and unfortunately it has been very unhealthy for you, the nurturer because your mentality is to "nurture and protect" so you end up feeling as though you are doing something wrong.

Unfortunately, women can learn this very young and believe they have to cower and obey and give in somehow. So, they don't get a chance to really understand the reality of what they are participating with, it becomes "their normal". When they develop this way they also unknowingly attract men that look for this kind of woman so they "unknowingly" have a partner they can control, and take their stress out on.