Hi jarajaramelon, it sounds like something I don't understand but could be more easily answered by a therapist in whom you have built up trust.

Being attached to someone is similar to a grieving process when they go away or leave us. You need a safety plan that would include a hotline number such as the Samaritans if you feel so upset to harm yourself.

THe only way I have found a way to go beyond the pain is to uncouple myself to the search for a nurturer that is a carry over from childhood. Every day building a new activity that helps me grow more independent and less searching for someone to take care of me. Yoga, mindfulness and exercises have all been helpful.